Post by The Wizard of Ahhhhs on Nov 8, 2008 0:21:58 GMT -5
(The scene cuts open. The Wizard of Ahhhhs is shown pacing back and forth biting on a thumbnail. He keeps looking up at a calender and then back down towards the floor.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: No Off Constantly....
(The Wizard continues to pace.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: No Big Time Jerks....
(More pacing.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: The Dog Pound....
(He looks up at the calender again, noting the circled date next weekend. He looks back at the floor.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Bra and Panties...
(The Wizard snaps out of his haze.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Shit... I still have to go shopping for those. I won't have any time.... Freytag has me training all week long. Christ, does this guy believe in off days?
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs looks down and then slowly his head turns towards a doorway heading into another room of the house.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Sending him could be a mistake...... Speaking of... where the hell is the big fella?
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs leaves the kitchen and starts to look around the house.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: HEY! WHERE ARE YOU?
Off Constantly: In here...
(The Wizard walks into the living room to see Off Constantly's massive frame squeezed down in front of the computer screen, typing with one finger on his right hand and regularly looking up at the monitor after each peck.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: What are you up to?
Off Constantly: Ohhh, nuffin...
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: You using a computer is not nuffin. What are you doing?
Off Constantly: Leave me alone, I'm busy.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Come on, let me see.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs walks over and tries to look over Off Constantly's shoulder, but he uses the mass from his arms to cross them over most of the monitor, preventing The Wizard of Ahhhhs from seeing anything written on the screen. The Wizard of Ahhhhs is trying to peer over his other shoulder, switching his stance trying to improve his vision, but it's to no avail.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Come on, what's the big secret?
Off Constantly: Nothing, go away.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: I'll let ya go with me to the store to buy an outfit for the Pay Per View match....
Off Constantly: You already said I could after I gave you the remote the other day, so you didn't have to watch the Extreme Home Makeover marathon.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: That's such a stupid show.
Off Constantly: Well... you didn't have to watch it and now you have company when you go to the mall.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs looks over and sees a bag of Oreo cookies sitting beside the computer. He picks them up and tosses them towards the floor several feet away.)
Off Constantly: NO!!!!!!
(In super slow motion, with distorted voices and strange facial expressions, Off Constantly removes his arms from the monitor and leaps off the chair, diving forward with his hands out-stretched. We focus on the bag of cookies that is heading towards it's certain demise on the floor. We focus in on Off Constantly's face in utter dismay. We focus in on The Wizard of Ahhhhs face as he leans down towards the monitor for a read. He brings an Oreo to his mouth and takes a bite. Now, back to Off Constantly, who is still in mid air, heading for the ground himself. As is the bag of Oreos. Who will make it first? What was Off Constantly looking at on the monitor?)
The scene cuts to Robert Stack, dressed in a suit and standing in front of a black backdrop.)
Robert Stack: If you or anyone you know has information on any of our mysteries, please your local law enforcement agency with details. Tune in next week for more Unsolved Mysteries.
(The scene cuts out to the UM theme music. Someone skips the record player and we cut back to Off Constantly catching the bag in his hands as he hits the floor. The reverberation from all of his weight hitting the ground is loud and it shakes the very foundation of the house. The Wizard of Ahhhhs staggers around on unsteady feet, flailing his arms around trying to regain his footing. The cookies in the bag erupt into a rain shower that topples all over Off Constantly's head. His face lights up in a smile. Music plays in the background.)
#But I knew (I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew)
#She had made me happy (happy, happy).
#Flowers in her hair,
#Flowers everywhere
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Fucktard!
(The record skips and Off Constantly comes to.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: What is this?
(Off Constantly climbs off the floor and pushes The Wizard of Ahhhhs out of his way, taking his seat back at the computer again.)
Off Constantly: I told you it was nothing. Why did you look?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Is that an online IQ Test?
Off Constantly: No....
(Pause)
Off Constantly: Well... yes..
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Why are you taking one of those? You know you probably don't qualify for results.
Off Constantly: I was listening to what the Big Time Jerks had to say in the ring at the last show. They said we had a combined IQ of 10. Actually, they didn't even say it. That information was given to them in an envelope, so somebody else knows... and they gave them that knowledge about us. Someone was paid off!!!
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs wide eyed.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: You have got to be kidding me...
(He puts a hand on his forehead and walks out of the room, while Off Constantly continues to fill out the exam.)
Off Constantly: Dude, we ca get 15 % off our next purchase at seamonkeyfarm.com if we both sign up for this site.
(From the other room)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: CLOSE THAT WEBPAGE NOW!
(To himself.)
Off Constantly: Whatever... I know a bargain when I see one.............Your IQ is... dammit. That can't be good.
(The scene cuts out.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: No Off Constantly....
(The Wizard continues to pace.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: No Big Time Jerks....
(More pacing.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: The Dog Pound....
(He looks up at the calender again, noting the circled date next weekend. He looks back at the floor.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Bra and Panties...
(The Wizard snaps out of his haze.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Shit... I still have to go shopping for those. I won't have any time.... Freytag has me training all week long. Christ, does this guy believe in off days?
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs looks down and then slowly his head turns towards a doorway heading into another room of the house.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Sending him could be a mistake...... Speaking of... where the hell is the big fella?
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs leaves the kitchen and starts to look around the house.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: HEY! WHERE ARE YOU?
Off Constantly: In here...
(The Wizard walks into the living room to see Off Constantly's massive frame squeezed down in front of the computer screen, typing with one finger on his right hand and regularly looking up at the monitor after each peck.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: What are you up to?
Off Constantly: Ohhh, nuffin...
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: You using a computer is not nuffin. What are you doing?
Off Constantly: Leave me alone, I'm busy.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Come on, let me see.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs walks over and tries to look over Off Constantly's shoulder, but he uses the mass from his arms to cross them over most of the monitor, preventing The Wizard of Ahhhhs from seeing anything written on the screen. The Wizard of Ahhhhs is trying to peer over his other shoulder, switching his stance trying to improve his vision, but it's to no avail.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Come on, what's the big secret?
Off Constantly: Nothing, go away.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: I'll let ya go with me to the store to buy an outfit for the Pay Per View match....
Off Constantly: You already said I could after I gave you the remote the other day, so you didn't have to watch the Extreme Home Makeover marathon.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: That's such a stupid show.
Off Constantly: Well... you didn't have to watch it and now you have company when you go to the mall.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs looks over and sees a bag of Oreo cookies sitting beside the computer. He picks them up and tosses them towards the floor several feet away.)
Off Constantly: NO!!!!!!
(In super slow motion, with distorted voices and strange facial expressions, Off Constantly removes his arms from the monitor and leaps off the chair, diving forward with his hands out-stretched. We focus on the bag of cookies that is heading towards it's certain demise on the floor. We focus in on Off Constantly's face in utter dismay. We focus in on The Wizard of Ahhhhs face as he leans down towards the monitor for a read. He brings an Oreo to his mouth and takes a bite. Now, back to Off Constantly, who is still in mid air, heading for the ground himself. As is the bag of Oreos. Who will make it first? What was Off Constantly looking at on the monitor?)
The scene cuts to Robert Stack, dressed in a suit and standing in front of a black backdrop.)
Robert Stack: If you or anyone you know has information on any of our mysteries, please your local law enforcement agency with details. Tune in next week for more Unsolved Mysteries.
(The scene cuts out to the UM theme music. Someone skips the record player and we cut back to Off Constantly catching the bag in his hands as he hits the floor. The reverberation from all of his weight hitting the ground is loud and it shakes the very foundation of the house. The Wizard of Ahhhhs staggers around on unsteady feet, flailing his arms around trying to regain his footing. The cookies in the bag erupt into a rain shower that topples all over Off Constantly's head. His face lights up in a smile. Music plays in the background.)
#But I knew (I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew)
#She had made me happy (happy, happy).
#Flowers in her hair,
#Flowers everywhere
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Fucktard!
(The record skips and Off Constantly comes to.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: What is this?
(Off Constantly climbs off the floor and pushes The Wizard of Ahhhhs out of his way, taking his seat back at the computer again.)
Off Constantly: I told you it was nothing. Why did you look?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Is that an online IQ Test?
Off Constantly: No....
(Pause)
Off Constantly: Well... yes..
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Why are you taking one of those? You know you probably don't qualify for results.
Off Constantly: I was listening to what the Big Time Jerks had to say in the ring at the last show. They said we had a combined IQ of 10. Actually, they didn't even say it. That information was given to them in an envelope, so somebody else knows... and they gave them that knowledge about us. Someone was paid off!!!
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs wide eyed.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: You have got to be kidding me...
(He puts a hand on his forehead and walks out of the room, while Off Constantly continues to fill out the exam.)
Off Constantly: Dude, we ca get 15 % off our next purchase at seamonkeyfarm.com if we both sign up for this site.
(From the other room)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: CLOSE THAT WEBPAGE NOW!
(To himself.)
Off Constantly: Whatever... I know a bargain when I see one.............Your IQ is... dammit. That can't be good.
(The scene cuts out.)