Post by Tomas Luger on Dec 5, 2009 21:37:24 GMT -5
Somewhere, a TV flashes to life.
...That's right folks, the newest collection of knives from Cutco are guaranteed to never be too sharp. The Saber collection is the dullest brand there is!
click!
...Rocky Rhoades Ice cream! Now with more soft marshmallows and even fewer nuts than ever before!
click!
...And in other news, Jaime Krenshaw was spotted wearing women's clothing and offering blow jobs for thirty five cents in Atlanta, Georgia recently, prompting many to wonder just how hard up for cash most Australians are in these tough times...
click!
Hey Kids!
Tired of the same boring 'ol crap on the airwaves?
Group of children
"You bet we are!"
"Eno Redrum Sucks...er...you bet I am!"
Than have we got the show for you!
The Rabble of Dangerous Miscreants Presents
THE TOMAS LUGER VARIETY SHOW!!!!!!!
And now, the man that would like to give Shabree two thumbs up (her sweet, sweet ass)...
Tooooooomaaaaas Luuuuuuuuuuger!!!!!!
That's right, Tomas Luger runs in from stage left, standing in front of a red and gold curtain.
It's great to be here, in Biloxi, Mississippi!
And boy, what a show we have for you tonight. We've got a very special guest tonight, Jason Hartnell's mom will be joining me, in studio!
Applause!
I've also got a very special top eleven list that is going to make you go "ooh" and "aah" and maybe even "what?"
More Applause!
But, first, I do have something I need to get off my chest. No, not Shabree's hands, I got her off last night!
Rim shot!
No, this is something that's been keeping me up late at night. You see, my major gripe, and one of the main reasons I came back to the TWD, is the overwhelming lack of overall talent in this wreckshamble of a federation.
Hear me out.
This place is sort of like a cross between a pawn shop and Wal-Mart.
It's got a bunch of old, washed up, garbage that no one else wants. Don't let his tough talk and supposed gold fool you, Jason Hartnell is like a zircon diamond ring in Vegas-you know it's a fake, but someone may want it. And the Wrestling Domain is the only taker, because trust me, this fed will let anyone in. I'm here aren't I.
Rim shot! Laughter! Beer!
Seriously, this place is a walking used goods cart, and it's not just Mr. Sadshit, Hartnell. You've got the "Old, old, old, old, old School Hero" Phillipe Barroquiero. How fucking old is that guy? Not to mention scrap heap legends like Eno Redrum, Scott Pandora and The Queen himself, Jaime Krenshaw. But that's just the half of it.
You've got the others, or the ones I refer to as "Talent layaway". See these are the guys that really have no business in a ring, backstage, or even tailgating in the parking lot. For instance, I wouldn't let Chris Freytag clean the toilets in the arena's we visit. Which is sad, considering he's the shittiest wrestler I've clapped eyes on in a long time. It's like all these half assed, wannabes just waltzed in and signed on the dotted line and figured they'd pick up wrestling as they went along. Ridiculous! And then you have the "wrestlers" like Staggs, who wrestle like Tiger Woods drives-Wreckless, Wild, and beaten up by women.
Burn!
Even with my "devil may care" attitude and style, I'm a bastion of hope for the fans and the ratings. Say what you will about Tomas Luger, but I've always been ratings in a can. Kinda like those party snakes that pop out of realistic looking cans. Yeah, like that.
Speaking of parties, our first guest is a regular at bachelor parties and orgies alike. I'd like to welcome "Mrs. Sadism and Masochism", the shitter of the turd known as Jason Hartnell, Mrs. Hartnell!!!
Applause!
Luger walks over to greet a rather haggard looking woman. She's dressed in a hot pink teddy with black fishnets that have runs in the thighs. Her makeup looks something similar to a rodeo clown, near stubbly beard to match and she's smoking a Marlboro red and drinking a Pabst.
Luger starts to give her a half hug, but she grabs his ass and tries to stick her tongue down his throat. The Champion of the masses backs off and shakes her hand. She puts her tongue in her cheek and makes the blow job motion.
Luger sits at a desk and motions for Mrs. Hartnell to sit on the chair next to the desk, but she follows him and tries to straddle him behind the desk. Luger stands up and walks her around, sitting her in the chair. She sits, legs spread, to reveal no underwear and the hairiest muff alive.
Sharon Stone, she is not.
Thanks for appearing on my show, even though you knew I'm going to be matched up one on one in my return match with your son.
Mrs. H-Oh, that 'ol shit machine? He was a failed attempt at legitimate prostitution. Worst mistake I ever made.
Really? Tell me about little J's childhood. Was he a happy child?
Mrs H-Well, sweetie, it's hard to be happy when you're constantly getting beaten and told what a worthless piece of shit you are.
So the beatings were regular, huh? Not much has changed then.
Mrs. H-Oh yeah! I'd get drunk and mean quite often, and you can't beat a client-
Client?
Mrs. H-Yeah, I'd have anywhere between four and fifteen guys in and out at all hours of the day and night. I had a mouth to feed, plus I was required, by law, to feed Jason.
Of course, what a kind mother! So, I'm assuming all the beatings lead to Jason dubbing himself "Mr. Sadistic"...
Mrs. H-Hell no! He used to wet the bed until he was twelve. He only had imaginary friends all through out high school on account of his terrible acne and awful stench. He took our dog Max to the prom for Christ's sake!
So where does such a loser, that wet the bed and had no friends, get the right to call himself "Mr. Straight" let alone "Mr. Sadistic"?
Mrs. H-Sometimes I got lonely and strapped him to his bed with electrical tape and jerked him off, so-
Wait, you jerked off your own son?
Mrs. H-I wore dish washing gloves and used plenty of spit, so it wasn't abusive or anything.
But plenty fucking weird. Well, this has been an eye opener for not only myself, but all the Lugernauts! out there as well. Thank you for coming on the show, Mrs Hartnell.
Mrs H-So do I get my fifty bucks now, or do I have to suck off the camera man?
Um....I'll have my producer meet up with you off stage, Jason Hartnell's mother ladies and gentlemen!
Applause! Debauchery! Crimes!
Wow, who would've thought that "Mr. Sadshit" Jason Hartnell was the product of such an environment.
Silence.
Ok, I assumed, but I wasn't sure or anything. I just hope he doesn't get any bright ideas and try to reach down my pants in the ring. I'd hate to have to break his hand with my iron dick.
Speaking of things that people go crazy over, I have here in my hot hand tonights top eleven list, let's roll with it!
The Tomas Luger Top Eleven List!!!!!
Alright, in honor of my return match, I thought we'd go with "The Top Eleven Things Jason Hartnell Would Rather Face in the Ring Than Me."
Here we go...
#11-Humphries!
#10-A pair of cowboys wearing ass-less chaps!
#9-A giant turd dressed like a clown!
#8-Spuds McKenzie's corpse!
#7-Soccer hooligans!
#6-Mr. Masochist!
#5-McCully Culkin while doing the Home Alone face!
#4-Mohamed Ali with a gun!
#3-A debt collector from the "Talent R Us" layaway department!
#2-His mom.
And the number one thing that Jason Hartnell would rather see across from him on December thirteenth-
Every client his mother has ever fucked, while he watched, each with a pair of pantyhose full of oranges!!!!!
See ya in the ring, I'm asta!
We now return you to your regular scheduled programming. Try not to kill yourself
click!
...That's right folks, the newest collection of knives from Cutco are guaranteed to never be too sharp. The Saber collection is the dullest brand there is!
click!
...Rocky Rhoades Ice cream! Now with more soft marshmallows and even fewer nuts than ever before!
click!
...And in other news, Jaime Krenshaw was spotted wearing women's clothing and offering blow jobs for thirty five cents in Atlanta, Georgia recently, prompting many to wonder just how hard up for cash most Australians are in these tough times...
click!
Hey Kids!
Tired of the same boring 'ol crap on the airwaves?
Group of children
"You bet we are!"
"Eno Redrum Sucks...er...you bet I am!"
Than have we got the show for you!
The Rabble of Dangerous Miscreants Presents
THE TOMAS LUGER VARIETY SHOW!!!!!!!
And now, the man that would like to give Shabree two thumbs up (her sweet, sweet ass)...
Tooooooomaaaaas Luuuuuuuuuuger!!!!!!
That's right, Tomas Luger runs in from stage left, standing in front of a red and gold curtain.
It's great to be here, in Biloxi, Mississippi!
And boy, what a show we have for you tonight. We've got a very special guest tonight, Jason Hartnell's mom will be joining me, in studio!
Applause!
I've also got a very special top eleven list that is going to make you go "ooh" and "aah" and maybe even "what?"
More Applause!
But, first, I do have something I need to get off my chest. No, not Shabree's hands, I got her off last night!
Rim shot!
No, this is something that's been keeping me up late at night. You see, my major gripe, and one of the main reasons I came back to the TWD, is the overwhelming lack of overall talent in this wreckshamble of a federation.
Hear me out.
This place is sort of like a cross between a pawn shop and Wal-Mart.
It's got a bunch of old, washed up, garbage that no one else wants. Don't let his tough talk and supposed gold fool you, Jason Hartnell is like a zircon diamond ring in Vegas-you know it's a fake, but someone may want it. And the Wrestling Domain is the only taker, because trust me, this fed will let anyone in. I'm here aren't I.
Rim shot! Laughter! Beer!
Seriously, this place is a walking used goods cart, and it's not just Mr. Sadshit, Hartnell. You've got the "Old, old, old, old, old School Hero" Phillipe Barroquiero. How fucking old is that guy? Not to mention scrap heap legends like Eno Redrum, Scott Pandora and The Queen himself, Jaime Krenshaw. But that's just the half of it.
You've got the others, or the ones I refer to as "Talent layaway". See these are the guys that really have no business in a ring, backstage, or even tailgating in the parking lot. For instance, I wouldn't let Chris Freytag clean the toilets in the arena's we visit. Which is sad, considering he's the shittiest wrestler I've clapped eyes on in a long time. It's like all these half assed, wannabes just waltzed in and signed on the dotted line and figured they'd pick up wrestling as they went along. Ridiculous! And then you have the "wrestlers" like Staggs, who wrestle like Tiger Woods drives-Wreckless, Wild, and beaten up by women.
Burn!
Even with my "devil may care" attitude and style, I'm a bastion of hope for the fans and the ratings. Say what you will about Tomas Luger, but I've always been ratings in a can. Kinda like those party snakes that pop out of realistic looking cans. Yeah, like that.
Speaking of parties, our first guest is a regular at bachelor parties and orgies alike. I'd like to welcome "Mrs. Sadism and Masochism", the shitter of the turd known as Jason Hartnell, Mrs. Hartnell!!!
Applause!
Luger walks over to greet a rather haggard looking woman. She's dressed in a hot pink teddy with black fishnets that have runs in the thighs. Her makeup looks something similar to a rodeo clown, near stubbly beard to match and she's smoking a Marlboro red and drinking a Pabst.
Luger starts to give her a half hug, but she grabs his ass and tries to stick her tongue down his throat. The Champion of the masses backs off and shakes her hand. She puts her tongue in her cheek and makes the blow job motion.
Luger sits at a desk and motions for Mrs. Hartnell to sit on the chair next to the desk, but she follows him and tries to straddle him behind the desk. Luger stands up and walks her around, sitting her in the chair. She sits, legs spread, to reveal no underwear and the hairiest muff alive.
Sharon Stone, she is not.
Thanks for appearing on my show, even though you knew I'm going to be matched up one on one in my return match with your son.
Mrs. H-Oh, that 'ol shit machine? He was a failed attempt at legitimate prostitution. Worst mistake I ever made.
Really? Tell me about little J's childhood. Was he a happy child?
Mrs H-Well, sweetie, it's hard to be happy when you're constantly getting beaten and told what a worthless piece of shit you are.
So the beatings were regular, huh? Not much has changed then.
Mrs. H-Oh yeah! I'd get drunk and mean quite often, and you can't beat a client-
Client?
Mrs. H-Yeah, I'd have anywhere between four and fifteen guys in and out at all hours of the day and night. I had a mouth to feed, plus I was required, by law, to feed Jason.
Of course, what a kind mother! So, I'm assuming all the beatings lead to Jason dubbing himself "Mr. Sadistic"...
Mrs. H-Hell no! He used to wet the bed until he was twelve. He only had imaginary friends all through out high school on account of his terrible acne and awful stench. He took our dog Max to the prom for Christ's sake!
So where does such a loser, that wet the bed and had no friends, get the right to call himself "Mr. Straight" let alone "Mr. Sadistic"?
Mrs. H-Sometimes I got lonely and strapped him to his bed with electrical tape and jerked him off, so-
Wait, you jerked off your own son?
Mrs. H-I wore dish washing gloves and used plenty of spit, so it wasn't abusive or anything.
But plenty fucking weird. Well, this has been an eye opener for not only myself, but all the Lugernauts! out there as well. Thank you for coming on the show, Mrs Hartnell.
Mrs H-So do I get my fifty bucks now, or do I have to suck off the camera man?
Um....I'll have my producer meet up with you off stage, Jason Hartnell's mother ladies and gentlemen!
Applause! Debauchery! Crimes!
Wow, who would've thought that "Mr. Sadshit" Jason Hartnell was the product of such an environment.
Silence.
Ok, I assumed, but I wasn't sure or anything. I just hope he doesn't get any bright ideas and try to reach down my pants in the ring. I'd hate to have to break his hand with my iron dick.
Speaking of things that people go crazy over, I have here in my hot hand tonights top eleven list, let's roll with it!
The Tomas Luger Top Eleven List!!!!!
Alright, in honor of my return match, I thought we'd go with "The Top Eleven Things Jason Hartnell Would Rather Face in the Ring Than Me."
Here we go...
#11-Humphries!
#10-A pair of cowboys wearing ass-less chaps!
#9-A giant turd dressed like a clown!
#8-Spuds McKenzie's corpse!
#7-Soccer hooligans!
#6-Mr. Masochist!
#5-McCully Culkin while doing the Home Alone face!
#4-Mohamed Ali with a gun!
#3-A debt collector from the "Talent R Us" layaway department!
#2-His mom.
And the number one thing that Jason Hartnell would rather see across from him on December thirteenth-
Every client his mother has ever fucked, while he watched, each with a pair of pantyhose full of oranges!!!!!
See ya in the ring, I'm asta!
We now return you to your regular scheduled programming. Try not to kill yourself
click!