Post by Tomas Luger on Dec 13, 2009 2:22:07 GMT -5
I've made some bold accusations as of late, about my opponent Jason Hartnell. Mostly about how he's a pervert that was mollestered as a child.
Actually, I didn't make those claims. His whore mother did, but she made them at my behest.
So with all the allegations of rubber glove debauchery going around, I thought I'd try to clear the air about just where we stand, in accordance to one another.
I figured, what better way to compare ourselves than to take you through a side by side walk of our individual lives by comparing one day.
I'm a beacon of integrity, if nothing else.
Friday, December eleventh
9:30 a.m.
Jason Hartnell
Jason begins his day by waking up in his race car bed and masturbating for about twenty minutes. It helps that he has several posters taped to his ceiling, mostly of men.
9:30 a.m.
Tomas Luger
I'm still asleep.
10:15 a.m.
Jason pulls the sock off of his spent dick and rolls out of his race car. He pulls on his Spongebob underware and stalks from his grandmother's basement to the kitchen, where Grandma Hartnell is making pancakes and sausage.
As we know, little J is a fan of the sausage.
10:15 a.m.
I'm still asleep.
11:00 a.m.
Having been stuffed full of sausage (and flapjacks), Jason is ready to begin preparing for our much awaited match.
His training begins with visiting the bathroom to take a shit while reading a chicks with dicks magazine. Nothing like the smell of shit while you jerk it, hey?
11:00 a.m.
I'm still asleep.
11:15 a.m.
Jason whipes up and zips up, but flushing is for losers. Grandma loves dookie surprise anyway.
He grabs his awesome leather jacket and heads out the door, if he hurries he won't miss the bus to the gym. If he does miss the 11:40 for the workout facility, he'll also miss out on Raul doing squat thrusts. He loves him some squat thrusts, especially with other dudes.
11:15 a.m.
I'm still asleep.
12:00 p.m.
What luck! Jason is just in time to spot Raul doing squat thrusts! He sits at a weight bench and watches the strapping body builder while pretending to curl a fifteen pound dumbell. Nothing like a little eye candy while you pretend to work out!
12:00 p.m.
I'm still asleep.
12:45 p.m.
Jason follows Raul into the showers for a rousing round of "Stick the weenie where the sun don't shine". After soaping and sticking up a fellow trainee, it's time to get in some heavy lifting. It's back out into the weight room for a round of benching max reps! 135 lbs.! Hoo-yah!
12:45 p.m.
I'm still asleep.
1:30 p.m.
Bummer! Those guys that make fun of Jason for being a homo are now at the gym. Sad smiley face
.
He decides to decamp for greener pastures and heads over to a local porn shop to browse for "Buns and Ammo". Never let the man in uniform down, especially when he's so up (or stiff)!
1:30 p.m.
Having been up late partying, I finally roll out of bed and hit the shower.
Nothing like a little Irish Spring to wash off the stench of hookers and whiskey!
2:00 p.m.
Time for some midday eats. Jason heads to Arby's and orders himself a five for five, all beef and cheddars. As he chews his mystery meat he realizes that at some point he's about to wrestle one of the single greatest wrestlers of our generation...
Me.
The rest of his lunch is vastly depressing. He takes his last beef and cheddar into the bathroom and makes sweet, beefy, cheesy love to it.
2:00 p.m.
Fresh from a shower, I grab a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and settle into some Madden '10 with Humphries.
3:00 p.m.
Penis covered in cheese sauce, Jason wanders down the street looking in shop windows, depressed at the prospect of losing to the perenial fan favorite...
Me.
He stops at a window to a gun shop. He briefly contemplates buying a handgun and killing himself rather than face the humiliation of getting his face stomped in by...
Me.
He checks his pockets. Too bad! He spent his last six bucks on Arby's. Unless they sell Barettas for twenty three cents, he's shit out of luck.
3:00 p.m.
After dominating Humphries 110-35, I head into the suites mini bar, deciding that it's five 'o clock somewhere. I peruse the selections and settle on a tiny bottle of vodka. I pour it over ice and orange juice and explain the dangers of teen drinking to Humphries.
4:00 p.m.
Thuroughly dejected, Jason heads back to grandma's house to contemplate his cruel fate.
Upon arrival, he finds granny balls deep in the middle of a porno shoot. "Grandma Loves a Hard Eight". Nothing like seeing your sweet grandma getting pummeled by a black dude. Jason heads to his basement to figure out how to end his miserable existance.
4:00 p.m.
After downing five or six small bottles of booze, I decide to hit up a strip club.
Pocket fulla assorted bills, nothing gets me geared to squash a chump quite like a bunch of boobies.
5:00 p.m.
Jason has fashioned a bit of a noose out of his Power Rangers bed sheets and has tied them off to the pipes running along the ceiling of the basement. He's even written a pathetic note:
"Goodbye cruel world. I never got a complementary reach around. Grandma getting filled out like a welfare form by some black guy was way too much for me. Tell Tomas Luger he wins.
Mr. Sadshit,
Jason"
He jumps.
5:00 p.m.
A gorgeous brunette with double D's is stradling me and rubbing those beautiful boobies in my giddy face.
I'm slipping a five spot in her garter and trying to decide if I should pull my cock out.
I do.
6:00 p.m.
The pipes broke and Jason fell and hit his head on the edge of his race car bed.
He lies, unconcious, on the floor waiting for his beloved nana to get done filming her adult movie and find him in a pool of blood and tears.
6:00 p.m.
I lite up a cigar and sit on the edge of a bed. Three chicks are passed out and spent in the bed behind me, and I quietly try to slip on my boxers and gather my clothes before they realize-I ain't paying.
I sneek off successfully.
What'd we learn? What's the difference between me and Jason Hartnell?
I suppose I'll just have to finish showing you on Showdown.
But the gay sex thing is probably the biggest deviation. That and the fact that I could give a fuck less who I'm facing on Monday.
Simply put, I'm the dominant brand. The rest of you are just trying to kill yourself.
Actually, I didn't make those claims. His whore mother did, but she made them at my behest.
So with all the allegations of rubber glove debauchery going around, I thought I'd try to clear the air about just where we stand, in accordance to one another.
I figured, what better way to compare ourselves than to take you through a side by side walk of our individual lives by comparing one day.
I'm a beacon of integrity, if nothing else.
Friday, December eleventh
9:30 a.m.
Jason Hartnell
Jason begins his day by waking up in his race car bed and masturbating for about twenty minutes. It helps that he has several posters taped to his ceiling, mostly of men.
9:30 a.m.
Tomas Luger
I'm still asleep.
10:15 a.m.
Jason pulls the sock off of his spent dick and rolls out of his race car. He pulls on his Spongebob underware and stalks from his grandmother's basement to the kitchen, where Grandma Hartnell is making pancakes and sausage.
As we know, little J is a fan of the sausage.
10:15 a.m.
I'm still asleep.
11:00 a.m.
Having been stuffed full of sausage (and flapjacks), Jason is ready to begin preparing for our much awaited match.
His training begins with visiting the bathroom to take a shit while reading a chicks with dicks magazine. Nothing like the smell of shit while you jerk it, hey?
11:00 a.m.
I'm still asleep.
11:15 a.m.
Jason whipes up and zips up, but flushing is for losers. Grandma loves dookie surprise anyway.
He grabs his awesome leather jacket and heads out the door, if he hurries he won't miss the bus to the gym. If he does miss the 11:40 for the workout facility, he'll also miss out on Raul doing squat thrusts. He loves him some squat thrusts, especially with other dudes.
11:15 a.m.
I'm still asleep.
12:00 p.m.
What luck! Jason is just in time to spot Raul doing squat thrusts! He sits at a weight bench and watches the strapping body builder while pretending to curl a fifteen pound dumbell. Nothing like a little eye candy while you pretend to work out!
12:00 p.m.
I'm still asleep.
12:45 p.m.
Jason follows Raul into the showers for a rousing round of "Stick the weenie where the sun don't shine". After soaping and sticking up a fellow trainee, it's time to get in some heavy lifting. It's back out into the weight room for a round of benching max reps! 135 lbs.! Hoo-yah!
12:45 p.m.
I'm still asleep.
1:30 p.m.
Bummer! Those guys that make fun of Jason for being a homo are now at the gym. Sad smiley face
.He decides to decamp for greener pastures and heads over to a local porn shop to browse for "Buns and Ammo". Never let the man in uniform down, especially when he's so up (or stiff)!
1:30 p.m.
Having been up late partying, I finally roll out of bed and hit the shower.
Nothing like a little Irish Spring to wash off the stench of hookers and whiskey!
2:00 p.m.
Time for some midday eats. Jason heads to Arby's and orders himself a five for five, all beef and cheddars. As he chews his mystery meat he realizes that at some point he's about to wrestle one of the single greatest wrestlers of our generation...
Me.
The rest of his lunch is vastly depressing. He takes his last beef and cheddar into the bathroom and makes sweet, beefy, cheesy love to it.
2:00 p.m.
Fresh from a shower, I grab a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and settle into some Madden '10 with Humphries.
3:00 p.m.
Penis covered in cheese sauce, Jason wanders down the street looking in shop windows, depressed at the prospect of losing to the perenial fan favorite...
Me.
He stops at a window to a gun shop. He briefly contemplates buying a handgun and killing himself rather than face the humiliation of getting his face stomped in by...
Me.
He checks his pockets. Too bad! He spent his last six bucks on Arby's. Unless they sell Barettas for twenty three cents, he's shit out of luck.
3:00 p.m.
After dominating Humphries 110-35, I head into the suites mini bar, deciding that it's five 'o clock somewhere. I peruse the selections and settle on a tiny bottle of vodka. I pour it over ice and orange juice and explain the dangers of teen drinking to Humphries.
4:00 p.m.
Thuroughly dejected, Jason heads back to grandma's house to contemplate his cruel fate.
Upon arrival, he finds granny balls deep in the middle of a porno shoot. "Grandma Loves a Hard Eight". Nothing like seeing your sweet grandma getting pummeled by a black dude. Jason heads to his basement to figure out how to end his miserable existance.
4:00 p.m.
After downing five or six small bottles of booze, I decide to hit up a strip club.
Pocket fulla assorted bills, nothing gets me geared to squash a chump quite like a bunch of boobies.
5:00 p.m.
Jason has fashioned a bit of a noose out of his Power Rangers bed sheets and has tied them off to the pipes running along the ceiling of the basement. He's even written a pathetic note:
"Goodbye cruel world. I never got a complementary reach around. Grandma getting filled out like a welfare form by some black guy was way too much for me. Tell Tomas Luger he wins.
Mr. Sadshit,
Jason"
He jumps.
5:00 p.m.
A gorgeous brunette with double D's is stradling me and rubbing those beautiful boobies in my giddy face.
I'm slipping a five spot in her garter and trying to decide if I should pull my cock out.
I do.
6:00 p.m.
The pipes broke and Jason fell and hit his head on the edge of his race car bed.
He lies, unconcious, on the floor waiting for his beloved nana to get done filming her adult movie and find him in a pool of blood and tears.
6:00 p.m.
I lite up a cigar and sit on the edge of a bed. Three chicks are passed out and spent in the bed behind me, and I quietly try to slip on my boxers and gather my clothes before they realize-I ain't paying.
I sneek off successfully.
What'd we learn? What's the difference between me and Jason Hartnell?
I suppose I'll just have to finish showing you on Showdown.
But the gay sex thing is probably the biggest deviation. That and the fact that I could give a fuck less who I'm facing on Monday.
Simply put, I'm the dominant brand. The rest of you are just trying to kill yourself.