Post by Tomas Luger on Jan 1, 2010 4:40:12 GMT -5
As the camera springs to life, the situation is assessed like so: There’s a bedroom, mostly dark, save for the dim glow slicing into the room from the cracked door. Something stirs in the bed, rolling away from the light, then becoming coherent to the surroundings. The shadowy figure rubs his face and leans down to look at the dim clock reading 3:38 a.m. The sleepy occupant shifts to sit on the edge of the bed, slipping on slippers and standing, stretching and yawning, it moves toward the door. Opening the door, to let in the full radiance of a TV somewhere, we see that it is none other than Humphries, the goat panted boy wonder.
Humphries moves from his room toward the kitchen, where he pours himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and moves into the light in the living room of the suite that he occupies with the rest of the Rabble.
The scene in the living room is somewhat disconcerting. Tomas Luger is sitting cross legged on the floor, a pile of envelopes on one side, a pile of smoldering as on the other and a rather tragic movie playing in the DVD player.
Humphries pulls up a chair and sits next to The Champion of the Masses.
Humphries: Whatcha doin?
Luger stares straight ahead, eyes fixed on the TV. He rocks slightly back an forth, his head resting in the palms of his hands.
Humphries: Tom, you okay? Want me to get you some Lucky Charms?
Luger: I can’t do it, Hump, I just can’t do it any longer. What am I going to do?
Humphries: Dude, man, you’re scaring the heck outta me right now. I’m gonna wake Alexis-
Luger grabs Humphries suddenly by the arm and stares directly into his eyes, directly into his soul.
Luger: NO! She won’t understand...
Humphries pulls free and spoons some marshmallows and cereal bits into his mouth, dribbling milk down his chin.
Humphries: Are you sure you’re doing alright?
Luger: I’ll be fine, I don’t know. Shit!
Humphries: ‘Cause you’re watching Bring it on: All or Nothing with the lights off and your pants on.
Luger: I needed to see something that filled me with hope, Hump. I just need to believe-
Humphries: Believe? What are you talking about?
More cereal, more milk, more dribbling. Luger pauses the movie.
Luger: It’s wrestling, I think I should quit. I suck...
Humphries drops the bowl, spilling purple horseshoes, blue moons and milk everywhere. Luger turns and seems genuinely disinterested in the recent disaster.
Humphries: WHAT! What are you talking about?!
Luger motions toward the pile of opened envelopes on the ground.
Humphries: What are these? Chris Miller, Boston, Mass. Are these fan letters?
Luger nods in the affirmative.
Luger: They wrote me, Humphries. After my long absence, after leaving as a fan favorite, they wrote me things. Hurtful things. They don’t love me anymore. They’d rather see me leave. They’d rather see the likes of Staggs, and The Wizard of Ahhhs, and even that Aussie pederast Jamie Krenshaw.
Humphries: That’s not true, Tom. Lemme see these letters-
Luger nods toward the pile of ashes on the other side of him.
Luger: I had to destroy them, I took it a little hard.
Humphries: Well, what did they say?
Luger stares at the paused movie, cheerleaders in mid performance. Hope on their horizon, but held for the moment.
Luger: “Dear Tomas Luger, You used to be awesome, now you just lose a bunch. I cheer for you every Showdown, but I might not any longer. No one likes to back a loser, you know. If you don’t turn it around, I’m gonna turn in my Luger gear for Dragzilla stuff. At least it has a title shot. When was your last title shot? Never. You suck. Sincerely, Andrea Canterburry. P.S. If you send me an autograph, I might change my mind.”
Humphries stares sadly at the pile of ashes. He knew that Tomas has done everything for the fans since joining the Wrestling Domain. From day one, he put together the Rabble in hopes of making people laugh, making them remember that this business isn’t all “I’m gonna beat the snot out of you” and drama. Wrestling is fun, it was Luger’s life. This was a real problem.
Luger: What am I gonna do Hump? I got letter after letter saying essentially the same thing: I suck.
Humphries stood and did something that he never thought he’d have to do. He hoped that this wouldn’t go awry. He stood in front of Luger, and Tomas looked up at him with the pain and suffering in his eyes that haven’t been seen since the news broke that Oprah was going off the air. Humprhies looked right into Tomas Luger’s face and slapped the shit out of him.
Humphries: Get hold of yourself, man! You’re Tomas fucking Luger! You’re the most entertaining voice in the TWD, but more than that, you’re my idol. Ever since you and Alexis adopted me under false pretenses, I’ve wanted to be just like you. I give my green ranger doll an Encore every night before I go to bed. I say my prayers to the poster of you winning the Tennessee Title. You can’t let me down. You can’t turn your back on these fans, either. They still believe in you, but if you give up you’ll lose them for sure.
Luger blinked dumbly at his small, pajama’d companion. He stared at the boy in disbelief, as though he’d grown twenty feet tall and even became stubbly. Luger stood, and put his hands on Humphries shoulders.
Luger: By God, Hump, you’re right! I can’t give in now! I know what must be done! And don’t swear, it makes you go blind.
Humphries: That’s what you said about masturbating-
Luger: Then it makes you sterile, gives you the mumps and makes your ding-a-ling fall off. Don’t swear.
Humphries: So, what are you going to do? It’s a little early to hit the gym. You wanna watch film on Scott Pandora?
Luger: Who? No! I’m gonna work hard at doing something right!
Humphries: That’s it, redouble your efforts in the ring! More sparring!
Luger: Hell no! I’m as good as I’m gonna get in the squared circle, Humprhies my boy.
Humphries slumped, clearly confused.
Humphries: I don’t know what you’re talking about-
Luger: There’s an old saying, my youthful chum. “Don’t quit your day job”...
Humphries: That’s right! Don’t quit wrestling! Never give up!
Luger: No, the TWD isn’t a day job, the shows take place in prime time.
Humphries: Now I’m really lost-
Luger: Humphries, I’m going to get a day job!
Luger nearly sprints for the door, grabbing his sweatshirt out of the closet by the door.
Humphries: Where are you going?
Luger: To get the morning paper! I’ve got to scour the want ads! My day job awaits!
Luger exits the suite, leaving Humphries standing in the middle of the messy living room, cereal, ashes and envelopes all around, wondering what the hell just happened.
****
It’s a mostly overcast day, the forecast calls for scattered showers and a full dose of Tomas Luger! A man sits in a rather squatty office, but at least it’s surrounded on three sides by windows. The man is scowling over some paper work, but his face brightens when he looks up to see none other than The Champion of the Masses strut in. The man stands and comes around the desk to share a hearty handshake with the wrestling star.
Man: Mr. Luger, I’m so glad to see you! I can’t thank you enough for lending your celebrity to my humble pre-owned car dealership!
Luger: No problem, Start Up Steve! I can’t thank you enough for hiring me on the spot, I really need this gig.
Steve: Oh, think nothing of it! And it’s just Steve, the Start Up is in the business title only, but it is catchy, isn’t it?
Luger: I suppose...So what’s on the agenda today, Steve? Where do I start?
Steve: Well, I managed to get a spot on TV and in the paper disclaiming that we’d be having you here to do a meet and greet, so we’ll get you a spot all set up and you can just hang out and do autographs and glad hand people-
Luger: Whoa, whoa, whoa...Steve, I took this job on the premise that I was gonna sell some cars.
Steve’s face contorts into something of mixed fear and curiosity. He takes a step back.
Steve: Uh, yeah...I figured you meant help out by bringing customers down to the lot, where one of my staff or myself would be pitching cars. It’s really not necessary for you to do any sales today.
Luger: Steve, I’m not really here to lend my celebrity status to this fine establishment, I’m actually looking for a solid line of work to fall back on, just in case this wrestling thing goes completely south on me.
Steve pauses for a moment, awkward smile loaded on his face, and the gears in his brain turning over at a rapid pace.
Steve: I did think it odd that you wanted to work on commission. Hmm...tell ya what, you follow me around some, glad hand some potential buyers and we’ll see if we can’t get you sellin cars by the end of the day. Sound good?
Luger ponders only a moment
Luger: Start Up, my friend, you have yourself a deal. Let’s sell some cars!
The Champion of the Masses and Start Up Steve exit the office to a small crowd of people gathered around the entrance. The group cheers as Tomas Luger exits and waves to the many fans waiting to see their local car salesman hero.
Luger: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m glad you could all turn out to see me at my first day of honest work!
The crowd instantly grows quiet and Steve pulls Luger close to him-
Steve: Ixnay on the orkway, Luger. Just follow my lead, son.
Steve addresses the crowd.
Steve: Folks, The Wrestling Domain’s own Tomas Luger has come down here today to meet with y’all and possibly let you in on some great savings on some very fine pre-owned vehicles! He’ll be walking around with me today, learning the ropes of what us blue collar Americans do for a living. If you’d like to shake his hand or chat with him, just find yourself a car and maybe take ‘er for a spin!
Luger and the owner of the dealership make their way out onto the lot, followed by a few of the more dedicated fans, some, however, boo and begin to leave in disgust.
The duo walk amongst some of the Hondas, Toyotas, and Fords that are available for sale, followed closely by the more adoring Lugernauts. A couple comes forward, eager to meet their favorite superstar.
Man Fan: Say, Mr. Luger, are you really trying to sell used cars? Shouldn’t you be getting ready to match up against Sparrow?
Luger starts to answer, but Steve jumps in front of him and flashes Luger a “Lemme handle this” look.
Steve: Mr. Luger is more than ready to take on anyone in that ring, but what he’d like to know more about is this fine 2004 Honda Civic with low, low miles and a very clean interior. He’d also like to know about how I can just afford to give it away at $9,000 dollars. What a steal, huh?
Steve nudges Luger with his elbow.
Luger: Uh, yeah, something like that. But I can see it in your eyes-
Luger hesitates, waiting to learn the name of one of his absolutely awesome fans.
Man Fan: Mark-
Luger: I can see it in your eyes, Mark. You’re like me, you don’t care so much about cost, though it is a factor in these tough times, you look like a man that cares about security and comfort. You’ve got a pretty gal there, Mark. What’s your name sweet pea?
Lady Fan: Tiffany.
Luger: You don’t want to be driving around, minding your own business, maybe taking the lovely Tiffany here on a date. You pull up to a red light, everything copasetic, when suddenly hooligans come charging your car from the bushes-
Mark: Um, I suppose-
Luger: And these wild ruffians of the night have one thing on their mind. Urinating on you.
Steve turns wildly to clap a hand over Luger’s mouth, but he sidesteps the weasely little man and moves toward the car.
Luger: You want a car that is gonna keep you pee free, something that will keep you and your loved ones safe from the viles of hardened criminals trying to piss all over your family. Well, let me assure you, Mark and Tiffany, you’ll feel safe knowing that this Honda Civic has very strong seals on all the doors.
Luger turns to the car, unzips his pants, pulls it out and begins to urinate all over the side of the car. Tiffany immediately turns and throws up, Steve is stuck in a state of panic and disbelief, smiling to try to stem the tide of morbid shock growing amongst the group. Mark just stands, flabbergasted. Luger continues as a stream of gold showers over the car door.
Luger: That’s right, no one will be able to pee on you when you’re driving this beauty, and that’s piece of mind you can’t put a price tag on.
Luger zips up and turns triumphant, hands on hips, ready to make his first sale. Steve comes rushing over.
Steve: I’m sorry folks, let’s just look at something-
Mark: Forget it, I’m outta here. That was just revolting, you people are sick.
Tiffany: Pervert!
Steve turns angrily to Tomas Luger.
Steve: Get the hell outta here, you weirdo! Oh, and you’re fired! And you just bought yourself a car!
Steve hands Tomas the keys to the Civic and storms away.
Luger: Well, I feel better knowing that I’m not going to be peed on. Now, what to do with this car? Oh well, guess being a used car salesman just isn’t for me.
Luger wipes the handle of his new Civic with his shirt and fires her up, driving off the lot. Urine streaming behind him.
Humphries moves from his room toward the kitchen, where he pours himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and moves into the light in the living room of the suite that he occupies with the rest of the Rabble.
The scene in the living room is somewhat disconcerting. Tomas Luger is sitting cross legged on the floor, a pile of envelopes on one side, a pile of smoldering as on the other and a rather tragic movie playing in the DVD player.
Humphries pulls up a chair and sits next to The Champion of the Masses.
Humphries: Whatcha doin?
Luger stares straight ahead, eyes fixed on the TV. He rocks slightly back an forth, his head resting in the palms of his hands.
Humphries: Tom, you okay? Want me to get you some Lucky Charms?
Luger: I can’t do it, Hump, I just can’t do it any longer. What am I going to do?
Humphries: Dude, man, you’re scaring the heck outta me right now. I’m gonna wake Alexis-
Luger grabs Humphries suddenly by the arm and stares directly into his eyes, directly into his soul.
Luger: NO! She won’t understand...
Humphries pulls free and spoons some marshmallows and cereal bits into his mouth, dribbling milk down his chin.
Humphries: Are you sure you’re doing alright?
Luger: I’ll be fine, I don’t know. Shit!
Humphries: ‘Cause you’re watching Bring it on: All or Nothing with the lights off and your pants on.
Luger: I needed to see something that filled me with hope, Hump. I just need to believe-
Humphries: Believe? What are you talking about?
More cereal, more milk, more dribbling. Luger pauses the movie.
Luger: It’s wrestling, I think I should quit. I suck...
Humphries drops the bowl, spilling purple horseshoes, blue moons and milk everywhere. Luger turns and seems genuinely disinterested in the recent disaster.
Humphries: WHAT! What are you talking about?!
Luger motions toward the pile of opened envelopes on the ground.
Humphries: What are these? Chris Miller, Boston, Mass. Are these fan letters?
Luger nods in the affirmative.
Luger: They wrote me, Humphries. After my long absence, after leaving as a fan favorite, they wrote me things. Hurtful things. They don’t love me anymore. They’d rather see me leave. They’d rather see the likes of Staggs, and The Wizard of Ahhhs, and even that Aussie pederast Jamie Krenshaw.
Humphries: That’s not true, Tom. Lemme see these letters-
Luger nods toward the pile of ashes on the other side of him.
Luger: I had to destroy them, I took it a little hard.
Humphries: Well, what did they say?
Luger stares at the paused movie, cheerleaders in mid performance. Hope on their horizon, but held for the moment.
Luger: “Dear Tomas Luger, You used to be awesome, now you just lose a bunch. I cheer for you every Showdown, but I might not any longer. No one likes to back a loser, you know. If you don’t turn it around, I’m gonna turn in my Luger gear for Dragzilla stuff. At least it has a title shot. When was your last title shot? Never. You suck. Sincerely, Andrea Canterburry. P.S. If you send me an autograph, I might change my mind.”
Humphries stares sadly at the pile of ashes. He knew that Tomas has done everything for the fans since joining the Wrestling Domain. From day one, he put together the Rabble in hopes of making people laugh, making them remember that this business isn’t all “I’m gonna beat the snot out of you” and drama. Wrestling is fun, it was Luger’s life. This was a real problem.
Luger: What am I gonna do Hump? I got letter after letter saying essentially the same thing: I suck.
Humphries stood and did something that he never thought he’d have to do. He hoped that this wouldn’t go awry. He stood in front of Luger, and Tomas looked up at him with the pain and suffering in his eyes that haven’t been seen since the news broke that Oprah was going off the air. Humprhies looked right into Tomas Luger’s face and slapped the shit out of him.
Humphries: Get hold of yourself, man! You’re Tomas fucking Luger! You’re the most entertaining voice in the TWD, but more than that, you’re my idol. Ever since you and Alexis adopted me under false pretenses, I’ve wanted to be just like you. I give my green ranger doll an Encore every night before I go to bed. I say my prayers to the poster of you winning the Tennessee Title. You can’t let me down. You can’t turn your back on these fans, either. They still believe in you, but if you give up you’ll lose them for sure.
Luger blinked dumbly at his small, pajama’d companion. He stared at the boy in disbelief, as though he’d grown twenty feet tall and even became stubbly. Luger stood, and put his hands on Humphries shoulders.
Luger: By God, Hump, you’re right! I can’t give in now! I know what must be done! And don’t swear, it makes you go blind.
Humphries: That’s what you said about masturbating-
Luger: Then it makes you sterile, gives you the mumps and makes your ding-a-ling fall off. Don’t swear.
Humphries: So, what are you going to do? It’s a little early to hit the gym. You wanna watch film on Scott Pandora?
Luger: Who? No! I’m gonna work hard at doing something right!
Humphries: That’s it, redouble your efforts in the ring! More sparring!
Luger: Hell no! I’m as good as I’m gonna get in the squared circle, Humprhies my boy.
Humphries slumped, clearly confused.
Humphries: I don’t know what you’re talking about-
Luger: There’s an old saying, my youthful chum. “Don’t quit your day job”...
Humphries: That’s right! Don’t quit wrestling! Never give up!
Luger: No, the TWD isn’t a day job, the shows take place in prime time.
Humphries: Now I’m really lost-
Luger: Humphries, I’m going to get a day job!
Luger nearly sprints for the door, grabbing his sweatshirt out of the closet by the door.
Humphries: Where are you going?
Luger: To get the morning paper! I’ve got to scour the want ads! My day job awaits!
Luger exits the suite, leaving Humphries standing in the middle of the messy living room, cereal, ashes and envelopes all around, wondering what the hell just happened.
****
It’s a mostly overcast day, the forecast calls for scattered showers and a full dose of Tomas Luger! A man sits in a rather squatty office, but at least it’s surrounded on three sides by windows. The man is scowling over some paper work, but his face brightens when he looks up to see none other than The Champion of the Masses strut in. The man stands and comes around the desk to share a hearty handshake with the wrestling star.
Man: Mr. Luger, I’m so glad to see you! I can’t thank you enough for lending your celebrity to my humble pre-owned car dealership!
Luger: No problem, Start Up Steve! I can’t thank you enough for hiring me on the spot, I really need this gig.
Steve: Oh, think nothing of it! And it’s just Steve, the Start Up is in the business title only, but it is catchy, isn’t it?
Luger: I suppose...So what’s on the agenda today, Steve? Where do I start?
Steve: Well, I managed to get a spot on TV and in the paper disclaiming that we’d be having you here to do a meet and greet, so we’ll get you a spot all set up and you can just hang out and do autographs and glad hand people-
Luger: Whoa, whoa, whoa...Steve, I took this job on the premise that I was gonna sell some cars.
Steve’s face contorts into something of mixed fear and curiosity. He takes a step back.
Steve: Uh, yeah...I figured you meant help out by bringing customers down to the lot, where one of my staff or myself would be pitching cars. It’s really not necessary for you to do any sales today.
Luger: Steve, I’m not really here to lend my celebrity status to this fine establishment, I’m actually looking for a solid line of work to fall back on, just in case this wrestling thing goes completely south on me.
Steve pauses for a moment, awkward smile loaded on his face, and the gears in his brain turning over at a rapid pace.
Steve: I did think it odd that you wanted to work on commission. Hmm...tell ya what, you follow me around some, glad hand some potential buyers and we’ll see if we can’t get you sellin cars by the end of the day. Sound good?
Luger ponders only a moment
Luger: Start Up, my friend, you have yourself a deal. Let’s sell some cars!
The Champion of the Masses and Start Up Steve exit the office to a small crowd of people gathered around the entrance. The group cheers as Tomas Luger exits and waves to the many fans waiting to see their local car salesman hero.
Luger: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m glad you could all turn out to see me at my first day of honest work!
The crowd instantly grows quiet and Steve pulls Luger close to him-
Steve: Ixnay on the orkway, Luger. Just follow my lead, son.
Steve addresses the crowd.
Steve: Folks, The Wrestling Domain’s own Tomas Luger has come down here today to meet with y’all and possibly let you in on some great savings on some very fine pre-owned vehicles! He’ll be walking around with me today, learning the ropes of what us blue collar Americans do for a living. If you’d like to shake his hand or chat with him, just find yourself a car and maybe take ‘er for a spin!
Luger and the owner of the dealership make their way out onto the lot, followed by a few of the more dedicated fans, some, however, boo and begin to leave in disgust.
The duo walk amongst some of the Hondas, Toyotas, and Fords that are available for sale, followed closely by the more adoring Lugernauts. A couple comes forward, eager to meet their favorite superstar.
Man Fan: Say, Mr. Luger, are you really trying to sell used cars? Shouldn’t you be getting ready to match up against Sparrow?
Luger starts to answer, but Steve jumps in front of him and flashes Luger a “Lemme handle this” look.
Steve: Mr. Luger is more than ready to take on anyone in that ring, but what he’d like to know more about is this fine 2004 Honda Civic with low, low miles and a very clean interior. He’d also like to know about how I can just afford to give it away at $9,000 dollars. What a steal, huh?
Steve nudges Luger with his elbow.
Luger: Uh, yeah, something like that. But I can see it in your eyes-
Luger hesitates, waiting to learn the name of one of his absolutely awesome fans.
Man Fan: Mark-
Luger: I can see it in your eyes, Mark. You’re like me, you don’t care so much about cost, though it is a factor in these tough times, you look like a man that cares about security and comfort. You’ve got a pretty gal there, Mark. What’s your name sweet pea?
Lady Fan: Tiffany.
Luger: You don’t want to be driving around, minding your own business, maybe taking the lovely Tiffany here on a date. You pull up to a red light, everything copasetic, when suddenly hooligans come charging your car from the bushes-
Mark: Um, I suppose-
Luger: And these wild ruffians of the night have one thing on their mind. Urinating on you.
Steve turns wildly to clap a hand over Luger’s mouth, but he sidesteps the weasely little man and moves toward the car.
Luger: You want a car that is gonna keep you pee free, something that will keep you and your loved ones safe from the viles of hardened criminals trying to piss all over your family. Well, let me assure you, Mark and Tiffany, you’ll feel safe knowing that this Honda Civic has very strong seals on all the doors.
Luger turns to the car, unzips his pants, pulls it out and begins to urinate all over the side of the car. Tiffany immediately turns and throws up, Steve is stuck in a state of panic and disbelief, smiling to try to stem the tide of morbid shock growing amongst the group. Mark just stands, flabbergasted. Luger continues as a stream of gold showers over the car door.
Luger: That’s right, no one will be able to pee on you when you’re driving this beauty, and that’s piece of mind you can’t put a price tag on.
Luger zips up and turns triumphant, hands on hips, ready to make his first sale. Steve comes rushing over.
Steve: I’m sorry folks, let’s just look at something-
Mark: Forget it, I’m outta here. That was just revolting, you people are sick.
Tiffany: Pervert!
Steve turns angrily to Tomas Luger.
Steve: Get the hell outta here, you weirdo! Oh, and you’re fired! And you just bought yourself a car!
Steve hands Tomas the keys to the Civic and storms away.
Luger: Well, I feel better knowing that I’m not going to be peed on. Now, what to do with this car? Oh well, guess being a used car salesman just isn’t for me.
Luger wipes the handle of his new Civic with his shirt and fires her up, driving off the lot. Urine streaming behind him.