Post by Tomas Luger on Jul 17, 2008 4:43:00 GMT -5
The camera beams to life on the scene of a door. A plain door with a peep-hole view finder located on the door bell box. There’s a chain lock as well as a dead bolt, though neither of them appear to be locked as after only a moment Alexis comes through the door.
She seems in a rather foul sorts, as the door slams rather loudly behind her.
Alexis: What’s going on around here?! I go down to the lot, where we’re supposed to be shooting your first Brent Kersh Invitational promo, only to find out that you’ve canceled the days shoot? You’d better have a damn good reason for this!
The camera pans down and Tomas Luger is laying on his stomach on the hotel room floor with an assortment of large pieces of white cardboard, markers, glue, glitter, crayons and colored construction paper. Also a pair of safety scissors, because we all know Tomas Luger...
TL (motioning toward the camera): I called the crew down here, wanted to have them ready for my big announcement-
Alexis: What on Earth are you doing, a third graders’ homework?
Luger tries to expertly line up a red, glittery star with one eye on his poster board.
TL: You’ll see. Hey, what do you think of our two new arrivals?
Alexis: You mean York and Savage, I could care less about the two of them. Savage is a barbaric, classless human being, but I’m interested in Trailer Trash Tiffany-
TL: Yeah, she’s pretty much the only reason I wanted him on board. Who knows though, he may surprise this week against Ahhhzie Osbourne and everyone’s favorite hermaphrodite, Adam Young.
Alexis: Just because he got matched up against the resident retards of the TWD doesn’t mean he’s a wrestling God-
TL: But he is a porn God-
Alexis: Whatever. And I don’t even begin to understand your fascination with Justin York.
TL: I told you, I think the kid’s got potential. What can I say, seeing Rob Blondie pop his head in and say, “Hi” made me nostalgic and I figured it’s high time I had my own pupil to mentor-
Alexis: That is about the worst idea you’ve ever come up with-
ALexis is watching Tomas slide a glue stick across the cardboard and then go to town shaking blue glitter on the sticky spot. Suddenly Alexis looks around-
Alexis: Say, where did Frank and Humphries run off to?
TL: I sent them off on a secret reconnaissance mission, they should be back anytime-
As if on cue, you hear the door open and Humphries is hurriedly panting and speaking-
Humphries: Get in here Frank! Hurry up! Grab that box you dropped!
The camera bustles over to see what the commotion is and finds Frank dragging in a black garbage bag full of mystery objects and another armful of miscellaneous boxes that are perilously close to toppling over again. Humphries has alrady ditched his box that appears to have food in it. Alexis, by now, has come over to sort things out.
Alexis: So, anyone committed a felony I should know about?
Humphries: Heck no, woman!
Alexis shoots Luger a look, while Luger tries to stifle a chuckle.
Humphries: Tomas sent us to get some more free stuff to hand out at next weeks show and grab up some art supplies from the TWD supply van at the arena, then we had to get some of the buffet food from the shoot we canceled earlier. We were on official TWD business!
Alexis: That’s excellent news. Say Tomas, now that you have the poor and the innocent committing crimes on your behalf, do you think you could maybe do your job and get this camera crew outta here tonight?
TL: Hang on, woman! I have to put on the finishing touches to this sign-
Humphries brings over a white box and opens it and hands Luger a small baggy of blue stars.
TL: All that was missing was blue stars.
Luger whips out his trusty glue stick and slaps some blue stars to the just out of view poster.
TL: All right, we’re all set for my big announcement. Clear the set please!
Alexis rolls her eyes and heads to the suite’s bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Humphries scurries toward the camera and disappears somewhere behind it. Frank, it seems, didn’t make it in the door, or has already left. He is, after all, a shiftless vagabond. Now only Tomas Luger remains in the camera’s view.
He stands tall and confidant, like only the future Wrestling Domain Champion could stand.
In his left hand he holds infinite power.
In his right, a poster with it’s back facing the camera.
Luger grins, it’s been a while hasn’t it? You can admit it, you missed it.
TL: Greetings to all my adoring fans out there watching this at home on stolen televisions! Today I have a few rather important things to say, and you all may want to pay close attention to each and every word.
The leader of the Rabble of Dangerous Miscreants licks his lips, moistening that hole of truth and wisdom.
TL: Firstly, I’d like to address my fans. It seems unfair that all of you of higher intelligence that have chosen to cheer for me don’t have your own classification. I can’t really keep calling you “fans”. You’re more than the average fan, you’re my fan. That makes you better than any other fan out there. Think about it-
Luger puts the poster face down, ready to tackle this issue like a linebacker.
TL: I’ll bet Andrew Christmas Ham has fans, but I’m willing to bet they’re all creepy sex offenders like him-
The TWD does not condone sex offenders, but isn’t against employing them for the “greater good”.
TL: I’m assuming that’s why most people boo you Andy X-Mas. You’re like that uncle that strange uncle with the lisp or other varying speech impediment that only shows up for holidays with free meals and lots of kids. Then you give all the kids piggy back rides around the yard, bouncing them up and down so much they pee on your neck and then you’re totally satisfied.
Um...
TL: Yeah, I know your type. I’ve been to one of Brent Kersh’s parties, and he’s the same way when he’s drunk.
It’s not pretty folks. Tomas wipes the awkward look off his face and the glimmer of aggression is back in his eyes.
TL: So this is the 2008 Brent Kersh Invitational? How the hell did I get an invite to this exclusive party? Oh, that’s how...I got matched up against Juggernaut ENT’s creepy uncle Andy.
Luger has a look of disgust smeared across his face as he mention’s Andy X-Mas.
TL: Here’s what we know about Mr. Andrew Christmas Ham:
1. He masquerades as waiters. It’s also very rude, any waiters out there, to sit down after serving a customer a drink and talk to them about a gimmick that you used a long time ago in a federation far away.
2. He likes to listen to me have phone sex. That wasn’t my mom, Andy X-Mas, and she charges too much a minute to be a nice lady.
3. He likes Strawberry ice cream, or what ever you’re having. He’s not picky. He should hang out with Frank Stinknatra for a week. He eat shit flavored ice cream, but Andy Ham probably likes that taste. Creep.
Luger is holding up three fingers, and holding in what appears to be vomit, but it’s understandable given the topic. Sicko.
TL: For Christ’s sake, he’s employed by Juggernaut ENT. They took on Dragzilla, they’ll take on any little boy toucher.
Luger resumes smiling, because you can’t get enough of that can you?
TL: Andy Christmas Ham, here’s all you need to know about me. I’m above your level. I’m an impending TWD Champion, you’re a peon jobbing in a former power clique. I remember when Juggernaut ENT used to take over whole federations, now they squabble with the immigrants. Pathetic.
But expected.
TL: But enough about my opponent, I have a very important announcment for all my Lugernauts out there-
Plugging the fans, one of you at a time.
TL: I figured that this year’s Brent Kersh Invitational was all about the competitors and they’re desires in the TWD. O’Malley still feels like he has something to prove since we pretty much all feel he just got really lucky. Kingpin wants to iron fist the TWD title and crown jewel it next to the others on his mantle. Katu Tui wants people to think he’s not a retard this year, and that he might be able to wrestle and put together coherent sentences. They all have reasons.
Luger holds up his sign so everyone can see.
Tomas Luger(in red glitter with red stars) for TWD Champion (in silver glitter with silver stars)
“Champion of the Masses” (in blue glitter with blue stars)
TL: That’s right Lugernauts, I’m running for TWD Champion in this year’s BKI tourney, and I’m running for all of you. I mean, who the hell else am I going to fence stolen crap to?
Luger cracks a wise ass grin and shares it with the masses.
TL: And this is my campaign promise to the people:
I’m a scumbag. I know it. You know it. For some reason, you all love me for it and that’s pretty God damned cool. I hereby pledge to keep stealing shirts, foam fingers, plastic title belts and what ever else I can from the merchandise truck and I will hand it out to all of you at shows. I will continue to make fun of the names of my dumb ass competition, like Andy X-Mas, which is short for his legal, pedophile name, Andrew Christmas Ham. I will continue to beat my opponents one, two, three or with a pipe until I am crowned TWD Champion.
Luger stands at attention, hand over his heart and head held high.
TL: I can promise this because I’m the best competitor competing in the tournament, hands down. These other ball washers haven’t got a prayer. I’ve got the talent, the women, and the fans on my side.
Luger lets loose one more sly smile.
TL: And besides if I lose I’ll just get really drunk and burn the bitch down!
Fade out you chumps...
She seems in a rather foul sorts, as the door slams rather loudly behind her.
Alexis: What’s going on around here?! I go down to the lot, where we’re supposed to be shooting your first Brent Kersh Invitational promo, only to find out that you’ve canceled the days shoot? You’d better have a damn good reason for this!
The camera pans down and Tomas Luger is laying on his stomach on the hotel room floor with an assortment of large pieces of white cardboard, markers, glue, glitter, crayons and colored construction paper. Also a pair of safety scissors, because we all know Tomas Luger...
TL (motioning toward the camera): I called the crew down here, wanted to have them ready for my big announcement-
Alexis: What on Earth are you doing, a third graders’ homework?
Luger tries to expertly line up a red, glittery star with one eye on his poster board.
TL: You’ll see. Hey, what do you think of our two new arrivals?
Alexis: You mean York and Savage, I could care less about the two of them. Savage is a barbaric, classless human being, but I’m interested in Trailer Trash Tiffany-
TL: Yeah, she’s pretty much the only reason I wanted him on board. Who knows though, he may surprise this week against Ahhhzie Osbourne and everyone’s favorite hermaphrodite, Adam Young.
Alexis: Just because he got matched up against the resident retards of the TWD doesn’t mean he’s a wrestling God-
TL: But he is a porn God-
Alexis: Whatever. And I don’t even begin to understand your fascination with Justin York.
TL: I told you, I think the kid’s got potential. What can I say, seeing Rob Blondie pop his head in and say, “Hi” made me nostalgic and I figured it’s high time I had my own pupil to mentor-
Alexis: That is about the worst idea you’ve ever come up with-
ALexis is watching Tomas slide a glue stick across the cardboard and then go to town shaking blue glitter on the sticky spot. Suddenly Alexis looks around-
Alexis: Say, where did Frank and Humphries run off to?
TL: I sent them off on a secret reconnaissance mission, they should be back anytime-
As if on cue, you hear the door open and Humphries is hurriedly panting and speaking-
Humphries: Get in here Frank! Hurry up! Grab that box you dropped!
The camera bustles over to see what the commotion is and finds Frank dragging in a black garbage bag full of mystery objects and another armful of miscellaneous boxes that are perilously close to toppling over again. Humphries has alrady ditched his box that appears to have food in it. Alexis, by now, has come over to sort things out.
Alexis: So, anyone committed a felony I should know about?
Humphries: Heck no, woman!
Alexis shoots Luger a look, while Luger tries to stifle a chuckle.
Humphries: Tomas sent us to get some more free stuff to hand out at next weeks show and grab up some art supplies from the TWD supply van at the arena, then we had to get some of the buffet food from the shoot we canceled earlier. We were on official TWD business!
Alexis: That’s excellent news. Say Tomas, now that you have the poor and the innocent committing crimes on your behalf, do you think you could maybe do your job and get this camera crew outta here tonight?
TL: Hang on, woman! I have to put on the finishing touches to this sign-
Humphries brings over a white box and opens it and hands Luger a small baggy of blue stars.
TL: All that was missing was blue stars.
Luger whips out his trusty glue stick and slaps some blue stars to the just out of view poster.
TL: All right, we’re all set for my big announcement. Clear the set please!
Alexis rolls her eyes and heads to the suite’s bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Humphries scurries toward the camera and disappears somewhere behind it. Frank, it seems, didn’t make it in the door, or has already left. He is, after all, a shiftless vagabond. Now only Tomas Luger remains in the camera’s view.
He stands tall and confidant, like only the future Wrestling Domain Champion could stand.
In his left hand he holds infinite power.
In his right, a poster with it’s back facing the camera.
Luger grins, it’s been a while hasn’t it? You can admit it, you missed it.
TL: Greetings to all my adoring fans out there watching this at home on stolen televisions! Today I have a few rather important things to say, and you all may want to pay close attention to each and every word.
The leader of the Rabble of Dangerous Miscreants licks his lips, moistening that hole of truth and wisdom.
TL: Firstly, I’d like to address my fans. It seems unfair that all of you of higher intelligence that have chosen to cheer for me don’t have your own classification. I can’t really keep calling you “fans”. You’re more than the average fan, you’re my fan. That makes you better than any other fan out there. Think about it-
Luger puts the poster face down, ready to tackle this issue like a linebacker.
TL: I’ll bet Andrew Christmas Ham has fans, but I’m willing to bet they’re all creepy sex offenders like him-
The TWD does not condone sex offenders, but isn’t against employing them for the “greater good”.
TL: I’m assuming that’s why most people boo you Andy X-Mas. You’re like that uncle that strange uncle with the lisp or other varying speech impediment that only shows up for holidays with free meals and lots of kids. Then you give all the kids piggy back rides around the yard, bouncing them up and down so much they pee on your neck and then you’re totally satisfied.
Um...
TL: Yeah, I know your type. I’ve been to one of Brent Kersh’s parties, and he’s the same way when he’s drunk.
It’s not pretty folks. Tomas wipes the awkward look off his face and the glimmer of aggression is back in his eyes.
TL: So this is the 2008 Brent Kersh Invitational? How the hell did I get an invite to this exclusive party? Oh, that’s how...I got matched up against Juggernaut ENT’s creepy uncle Andy.
Luger has a look of disgust smeared across his face as he mention’s Andy X-Mas.
TL: Here’s what we know about Mr. Andrew Christmas Ham:
1. He masquerades as waiters. It’s also very rude, any waiters out there, to sit down after serving a customer a drink and talk to them about a gimmick that you used a long time ago in a federation far away.
2. He likes to listen to me have phone sex. That wasn’t my mom, Andy X-Mas, and she charges too much a minute to be a nice lady.
3. He likes Strawberry ice cream, or what ever you’re having. He’s not picky. He should hang out with Frank Stinknatra for a week. He eat shit flavored ice cream, but Andy Ham probably likes that taste. Creep.
Luger is holding up three fingers, and holding in what appears to be vomit, but it’s understandable given the topic. Sicko.
TL: For Christ’s sake, he’s employed by Juggernaut ENT. They took on Dragzilla, they’ll take on any little boy toucher.
Luger resumes smiling, because you can’t get enough of that can you?
TL: Andy Christmas Ham, here’s all you need to know about me. I’m above your level. I’m an impending TWD Champion, you’re a peon jobbing in a former power clique. I remember when Juggernaut ENT used to take over whole federations, now they squabble with the immigrants. Pathetic.
But expected.
TL: But enough about my opponent, I have a very important announcment for all my Lugernauts out there-
Plugging the fans, one of you at a time.
TL: I figured that this year’s Brent Kersh Invitational was all about the competitors and they’re desires in the TWD. O’Malley still feels like he has something to prove since we pretty much all feel he just got really lucky. Kingpin wants to iron fist the TWD title and crown jewel it next to the others on his mantle. Katu Tui wants people to think he’s not a retard this year, and that he might be able to wrestle and put together coherent sentences. They all have reasons.
Luger holds up his sign so everyone can see.
Tomas Luger(in red glitter with red stars) for TWD Champion (in silver glitter with silver stars)
“Champion of the Masses” (in blue glitter with blue stars)
TL: That’s right Lugernauts, I’m running for TWD Champion in this year’s BKI tourney, and I’m running for all of you. I mean, who the hell else am I going to fence stolen crap to?
Luger cracks a wise ass grin and shares it with the masses.
TL: And this is my campaign promise to the people:
I’m a scumbag. I know it. You know it. For some reason, you all love me for it and that’s pretty God damned cool. I hereby pledge to keep stealing shirts, foam fingers, plastic title belts and what ever else I can from the merchandise truck and I will hand it out to all of you at shows. I will continue to make fun of the names of my dumb ass competition, like Andy X-Mas, which is short for his legal, pedophile name, Andrew Christmas Ham. I will continue to beat my opponents one, two, three or with a pipe until I am crowned TWD Champion.
Luger stands at attention, hand over his heart and head held high.
TL: I can promise this because I’m the best competitor competing in the tournament, hands down. These other ball washers haven’t got a prayer. I’ve got the talent, the women, and the fans on my side.
Luger lets loose one more sly smile.
TL: And besides if I lose I’ll just get really drunk and burn the bitch down!
Fade out you chumps...