Post by lukesavage on Jul 25, 2008 0:29:41 GMT -5
Luke Savage sits in a chair, an AVN sitting in his lap. A camera pans around the room, which looks to be a shrink's office or something. Surely something must be out of place, as we are in Luke Savage's home. He has a college diploma on his wall, saying that our hero graduated with a Bachelor's in Psychology. The camera finds it way to the "Porn God."
I guess you all are wondering, "what lyrical hilarity awaits us now"? or "What will our American Porn Idol do next?"
The answer is: NOT A DAMN THING.
See, as much as I like music, and as much as I like to bring the funny, there are two things I like doing more. One is wrestling, and if you can't guess the other then you're legally retarded from this point on.
Now, I have been asked before "How do you do it? How do you manage to excel at wrestling, even though you have yet to have your first ever match and doing the Hunka-Chunka? That means screwing for those of you that don't know what Hunka-Chunka is. I have been told to clean my act up a bit or face consequences from the front office and I decided I would do as they requested, at least to a point that is. And you may also be asking, is it really all about the secret sauce?"
I'll tackle those one by one.
1. I am simply good at anything and everything I do.
2. Practice.
3. No. In fact, the secret sauce is just a test of the female's sluttish/freaky level. Hell, if I can get you to swallow my demon semen without even showing an interest, imagine what I can get you to do when I get you alone.
But, enough of that. Let me tell you how my day went yesterday. See, I have my very first match in the TWD coming up and it is a three-way match, and I will be getting an up close and personal with the Wizard of Ahhs and a long time vet, Adam Young. To be honest, I am fucking nervous. I haven't ever truly stepped into the ring for true competition, I haven't emphatically ended a match with a finisher unless you count the scrubs I have been practicing against. Sometimes, I wonder if I even deserve to be a wrestler here in the TWD, and if you ask me right now, I'd say I'd be better off back on the set of some porn movie than in the ring with two superstars in the TWD. I'm not saying that I have lost my confidence, but more like my luck will run out.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I've never been in a match before, so I decided to go somewhere they would teach me. Now, I would not be Luke "The Pron God" Savage if I didn't let my other head think for me for the majority of the time I spend not wrestling, and by the majority I mean about 60%. I digress. So in order to learn how to lay the smackdown on the mat correctly, I decided to go to this naked lady oil wrestling type thing over at the club where Tifany dances because she has set it up for me to ref a fatal four-way match.
I get there and look at all the females walking around glistening with string bikinis on and all of that, and all I am thinking is that "I am gonna give the boloney-poney to that one, that one, and that one" or "You know, I bet Tiffany and her friends would look good in nothing but oil", the usual thoughts. I get there, and state my case to the director of the place, this average dude who just fell into an assload of money by inheritance or some crap, tells me that I have to wait, and just because I am Luke Savage doesn't mean I can just go do what I want. I haven't even told him my name, mind you, so he's obviously a fan, but it wasn't what he said, but how he said it.
No, it was what he said. So, while I tuned him out, I happened to catch him waving and winking at a particular woman, his girlfriend or something I guess. I walk up to her while I'm waiting, and make convo. Turns out she loves him a little, but the main reason she's with him is due to his money and the fact that she kinda gets off on the activities here. Well, the secret sauce was freshly made today, as I strapped up and spent my wait knocking her pelvis out of alignment. Yeah, screwed old dude's woman right up. She even sucked on the condom afterwards, getting all of the marmalade right out.
Anyway, she's not walking too well due to the Trailer Trash Tiffany Wheelbarrow Chickenwing position I worked her in, but she says it was worth it. I just leave her my number, and make a mental note to change my phone number upon leaving here. She gives me her panties also like I'm into collecting "memories" or something from my conquests, but I'm like what the hell, I'll use them as a gift for a future screw.
So, the wait is over, and I get all dressed up for my role, At least these chicks look better than who'll I'll be in the ring with.
I ask them to tell me about themselves, and here's what I get.
Girl 1 is a nymphomaniac who is a bit eccentric. She is quite fond of submissive tactics in the bedroom and the mat. Her name's Andrea, and she's from Texas, at least the tits are anyway, damn things are huge. As far as the submissive tactics in the bed, not my cup of tea, but I'll try it with a nympho.
Girl 2 is a former detective who is convinced that the females she wrestles are cheating somehow, and trying to expose it, as the few she suspect have actually beaten her before. Her best move is the JackHammer, and her name is Jacqueline. She's also a bit of a voyeur/watch people screw type as well as a very strong mat wrestler.
Girl 3 is a promiscuous chick named Brandy. I immediately take a liking to her. We seem to have common interests, you know? She likes to take risks in the ring, and try anything outside of it.
Girl 4 is a bit of a bitch, angry for no reason, even though she says she has a boyfriend and a bodyguard. Her name is Shannon. She fights dirty and rough, and for some reason by her own admission she likes the curb stomp way too much, as if that's all she's capable of. I tried to call her on it, but she cursed me out. Oh well, I once saw on the TV show MANswers that the best way to defeat the 'bitch' is to screw her till she can't walk straight. After I intentionally cost her this match, or not, I'll think about putting that theory to the test.
As it were, turns out this damn ref gig I am doingthing is quite easy. All I need to know is that what I say goes, and failure to obey results in punishment from me. Let me tell you though, it's hard to punish a naked, oily woman wrestling around with 3 others. So, I let the rules go, and I wait. I wait for my opportunity. It doesn't show, as the chicks who apparently are in line for a title shot of some sort and therefore start out hating each other, start liking each other. They start to kiss on each other and all of that, and eventually a scene from a porn movie I once did with these four chicks where I sit back and end up watching them go after each other erupts. I think to myself, "This is awesome!" Anyway, you know I eventually try to join in, and after some convincing with my secret sauce, I lay the smackdown on the mat just right, if you get my drift. Didn't forget the condoms, though.
After all of that's done, and I somehow manage to leave all of them in a sex coma, and I say manage because the combination of Brandy and Andrea did me in once, but that's why I have reserves, like Jim from American Pie.
So, I'm ready to be the best damn wrestler I can be and give the Wizard and Adam everything they can handle. I ruined a relationship between the manager and his woman, and messed up what was at the time a very competitive fatal-four way match with my "officiating."
You know, it sounds a lot like what I am going to do against Adam and the Wizard, mess them up!.
That's a Day in the Life of Luke "The Porn God" Savage. You should see a Night in the Life of Luke Savage. Seriously, it won an AVN award for best amateur release.
An attractive female walks into the room.
"Don't we have an appointment today?"
Yes, but where's your husband, shouldn't he be here too?
"Sure, but he couldn't get off of work. figures."
Fine. Just so happens I just came...........from another session.
As he says this, a female secretary type sneaks out, while Luke tries to hold the new female's attention. The departing female leaves her bra on the floor, and blows a kiss at Savage, who flashes a knee-buckling dimpled smile. Savage then hands the new female a Big Mac.
Hungry?
"I could eat..."
She takes a bite, as he picks up a notepad and writes "Success" by "Pretend to be a marriage counselor to bag chicks."
Now....let's talk....
I guess you all are wondering, "what lyrical hilarity awaits us now"? or "What will our American Porn Idol do next?"
The answer is: NOT A DAMN THING.
See, as much as I like music, and as much as I like to bring the funny, there are two things I like doing more. One is wrestling, and if you can't guess the other then you're legally retarded from this point on.
Now, I have been asked before "How do you do it? How do you manage to excel at wrestling, even though you have yet to have your first ever match and doing the Hunka-Chunka? That means screwing for those of you that don't know what Hunka-Chunka is. I have been told to clean my act up a bit or face consequences from the front office and I decided I would do as they requested, at least to a point that is. And you may also be asking, is it really all about the secret sauce?"
I'll tackle those one by one.
1. I am simply good at anything and everything I do.
2. Practice.
3. No. In fact, the secret sauce is just a test of the female's sluttish/freaky level. Hell, if I can get you to swallow my demon semen without even showing an interest, imagine what I can get you to do when I get you alone.
But, enough of that. Let me tell you how my day went yesterday. See, I have my very first match in the TWD coming up and it is a three-way match, and I will be getting an up close and personal with the Wizard of Ahhs and a long time vet, Adam Young. To be honest, I am fucking nervous. I haven't ever truly stepped into the ring for true competition, I haven't emphatically ended a match with a finisher unless you count the scrubs I have been practicing against. Sometimes, I wonder if I even deserve to be a wrestler here in the TWD, and if you ask me right now, I'd say I'd be better off back on the set of some porn movie than in the ring with two superstars in the TWD. I'm not saying that I have lost my confidence, but more like my luck will run out.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I've never been in a match before, so I decided to go somewhere they would teach me. Now, I would not be Luke "The Pron God" Savage if I didn't let my other head think for me for the majority of the time I spend not wrestling, and by the majority I mean about 60%. I digress. So in order to learn how to lay the smackdown on the mat correctly, I decided to go to this naked lady oil wrestling type thing over at the club where Tifany dances because she has set it up for me to ref a fatal four-way match.
I get there and look at all the females walking around glistening with string bikinis on and all of that, and all I am thinking is that "I am gonna give the boloney-poney to that one, that one, and that one" or "You know, I bet Tiffany and her friends would look good in nothing but oil", the usual thoughts. I get there, and state my case to the director of the place, this average dude who just fell into an assload of money by inheritance or some crap, tells me that I have to wait, and just because I am Luke Savage doesn't mean I can just go do what I want. I haven't even told him my name, mind you, so he's obviously a fan, but it wasn't what he said, but how he said it.
No, it was what he said. So, while I tuned him out, I happened to catch him waving and winking at a particular woman, his girlfriend or something I guess. I walk up to her while I'm waiting, and make convo. Turns out she loves him a little, but the main reason she's with him is due to his money and the fact that she kinda gets off on the activities here. Well, the secret sauce was freshly made today, as I strapped up and spent my wait knocking her pelvis out of alignment. Yeah, screwed old dude's woman right up. She even sucked on the condom afterwards, getting all of the marmalade right out.
Anyway, she's not walking too well due to the Trailer Trash Tiffany Wheelbarrow Chickenwing position I worked her in, but she says it was worth it. I just leave her my number, and make a mental note to change my phone number upon leaving here. She gives me her panties also like I'm into collecting "memories" or something from my conquests, but I'm like what the hell, I'll use them as a gift for a future screw.
So, the wait is over, and I get all dressed up for my role, At least these chicks look better than who'll I'll be in the ring with.
I ask them to tell me about themselves, and here's what I get.
Girl 1 is a nymphomaniac who is a bit eccentric. She is quite fond of submissive tactics in the bedroom and the mat. Her name's Andrea, and she's from Texas, at least the tits are anyway, damn things are huge. As far as the submissive tactics in the bed, not my cup of tea, but I'll try it with a nympho.
Girl 2 is a former detective who is convinced that the females she wrestles are cheating somehow, and trying to expose it, as the few she suspect have actually beaten her before. Her best move is the JackHammer, and her name is Jacqueline. She's also a bit of a voyeur/watch people screw type as well as a very strong mat wrestler.
Girl 3 is a promiscuous chick named Brandy. I immediately take a liking to her. We seem to have common interests, you know? She likes to take risks in the ring, and try anything outside of it.
Girl 4 is a bit of a bitch, angry for no reason, even though she says she has a boyfriend and a bodyguard. Her name is Shannon. She fights dirty and rough, and for some reason by her own admission she likes the curb stomp way too much, as if that's all she's capable of. I tried to call her on it, but she cursed me out. Oh well, I once saw on the TV show MANswers that the best way to defeat the 'bitch' is to screw her till she can't walk straight. After I intentionally cost her this match, or not, I'll think about putting that theory to the test.
As it were, turns out this damn ref gig I am doingthing is quite easy. All I need to know is that what I say goes, and failure to obey results in punishment from me. Let me tell you though, it's hard to punish a naked, oily woman wrestling around with 3 others. So, I let the rules go, and I wait. I wait for my opportunity. It doesn't show, as the chicks who apparently are in line for a title shot of some sort and therefore start out hating each other, start liking each other. They start to kiss on each other and all of that, and eventually a scene from a porn movie I once did with these four chicks where I sit back and end up watching them go after each other erupts. I think to myself, "This is awesome!" Anyway, you know I eventually try to join in, and after some convincing with my secret sauce, I lay the smackdown on the mat just right, if you get my drift. Didn't forget the condoms, though.
After all of that's done, and I somehow manage to leave all of them in a sex coma, and I say manage because the combination of Brandy and Andrea did me in once, but that's why I have reserves, like Jim from American Pie.
So, I'm ready to be the best damn wrestler I can be and give the Wizard and Adam everything they can handle. I ruined a relationship between the manager and his woman, and messed up what was at the time a very competitive fatal-four way match with my "officiating."
You know, it sounds a lot like what I am going to do against Adam and the Wizard, mess them up!.
That's a Day in the Life of Luke "The Porn God" Savage. You should see a Night in the Life of Luke Savage. Seriously, it won an AVN award for best amateur release.
An attractive female walks into the room.
"Don't we have an appointment today?"
Yes, but where's your husband, shouldn't he be here too?
"Sure, but he couldn't get off of work. figures."
Fine. Just so happens I just came...........from another session.
As he says this, a female secretary type sneaks out, while Luke tries to hold the new female's attention. The departing female leaves her bra on the floor, and blows a kiss at Savage, who flashes a knee-buckling dimpled smile. Savage then hands the new female a Big Mac.
Hungry?
"I could eat..."
She takes a bite, as he picks up a notepad and writes "Success" by "Pretend to be a marriage counselor to bag chicks."
Now....let's talk....