Post by Tomas Luger on Jul 25, 2008 4:55:14 GMT -5
Picture if you will a podium.
A standard wooden, box style podium with a bunch of microphones sticking out of them, and emblazoned with a not so standard TWD logo on the front.
There is a palpable hue of anticipation, and an electric buzz in the air from the chatter of the impromptu press conference.
Humphries, the goat panted lad and sidekick to Tomas Luger, walks up to the podium and waits for the buzz to die down.
Humphries: Good evening, and thank you for coming on such short notice. And now, ladies and gentlemen I’d like you all to welcome the Champion of the Masses and your next TWD Heavyweight Champion, Tomas Luger.
Luger walks out to an obvious applause track and the camera pans out to the audience and we see Humphries sitting on a chair in the locker room area, next to him on a bench is a tape recorder that is blaring a false clapping noise. Alexis is sitting cross legged, looking rather annoyed and filing her nails on a chair next to Humphries. Frank Stinknatra is curled up, passed out in front of the cubbies. Humphries clicks off the laugh track.
TL: Thank you, thank you all for coming. Now I know many of you have several questions you’d like to ask your new fan candidate in this years BKI tournament, but due to expense issues-
Alexis: You mean we’re practically a non profit crime syndicate-
TL: We’ve had to take e-mails and read them aloud and answer them here, at this press conference.
Humphries: Isn’t there supposed to be press at a press conference?
TL: Shut up kid. Alexis, please tell me what our first Lugernaut has to say-
Alexis: “Are you going to grow back your incredibly insane hair? I really liked the spikes and crazy goatee. Tim, New Mexico.”
TL: Good question Tim, and let me thank you for remembering me with hair. As many of you know, Rob Blondie, my former mentor, shaved my head in a hair versus hair match. Incidentally, Rob Blondie has a flaccid penis. Next question please-
Humphries: “Hey Tom! What do you have in store for your final two contestants trying to join your Rabble? I want to be entered in next year’s competition, as I think I’d make a great addition. Pete, Wisconsin.”
TL: Now I don’t want to give away too much, but let me tell you they are going to have their work cut out for them. I’ve got something pretty good lined up for good ol Justin York and Luke Savage. As far as future considerations, these are the roles I’m looking to fill in my crew of scumbags:
Disease Carrier
Mascot
Satan Worshiper
Jew
Computer Technician
Auto Mechanic
Dental Assistant
or you can get your diploma or GED.
Call 1-800-SCUMBAG, that’s 1-800-728-6224.
Next question.
Alexis: “Do you like grapes? Mindy, Maine.”
TL: Mindy Main is one of my favorite porn stars, thank you for writing in. I love grapes, but I hate grape juice. I love grape jelly, but hate jelly donuts. Life’s funny like that. Next question.”
Humphries: “I’ve started a Lugernauts crew and was wondering if you would give us big shout outs next time you’re on camera. Phil, Iowa.”
TL: Of course, Phil. I’m down for anyone starting a group of people and doing things, whether illegal or not, and giving me credit for driving them to do it. I’d like to shout out to Phil and the whole Lugernaut Crew in Iowa: Big T, Sasha, Mike and Zane at Effects Graphics Inc., Holister Boy DJ, Owen, T-Real and O-Money and the Southsider Ryders. Stay up, playahs!
I have time to field one more question, so make it a good one Lex!
Alexis: I’m not digging through this stack of fan mail to find you one from someone with some sense of literary or decency, you get what you get Tomas.
Alexis begins rumaging through the mail bag while Frank poops in a garbage can. The camera quickly pans as Alexis finds one and unfolds it angrily.
Alexis: “Tomas, are you worried about Andy Christ as your first round opponent for the BKI 08? I would be, he reminds me of an uncle I had that used to touch me and my sister inappropriately when we were kids. I’m pulling for you, and so is my therapist. Katie, Tennessee.”
TL: Well you can rest assured that I’m not afraid of Andrew Christmas Ham as an opponent, but I like you am worried about him touching me inappropriately during our match. I’m thinking about boobytraping my crotch just in case, but we’ll see. I don’t want to make the package look awkward. You see, Andy X-Mas is the under-carder of Jugghead ENT, so it’s like facing the worst special olympian. He’s still a retard. I have to tell you, I invited Andy X-Mas to be here today and have a debate, but he had an appointment at a middle school to do a public health service. Will the students of Alamo Heights Junior High please not go to school tomorrow, please...
Tomas pauses and motions for Humphries to come up to the front. Humphries turns the podium sideways and there appears to be a wooden handle sticking up behind where the podium used to be. There’s also an ice chest behind Tomas Luger that was unseen before.
Luger always finds that old gags work the best, that’s why he likes Kersh’s mom.
TL: Yes, Andrew Christmas Ham couldn’t be here today, but I did find a real Christmas Ham-
Luger dips into the ice chest and pulls out a ham, then hoists the wooden handle up to reveal an over sized rubber mallet.
Old gag made less fruity.
TL: So what do you do when you have an unruly Christmas Ham? Luger-Matic!
Luger swings the mallet down and sprays ham all over the room. Luger wipes the ham from his eyes and reaches down into the ice chest and pulls out yet another hunk of pork.
TL: Andy X-Mas, I’m not sure what to make of you. But appearantly you like the smell of a nice Tomas Luger home brew, so-
Luger turns, bares an ass cheek an rips a nice, juicy, ripe one right on the ham.
TL: Smells like the shit that comes from Kingpin’s mouth-
Kingpin, CEO of a garbage barge.
TL: I’m not sure what that vacuum thing was all about, but I’m thinking Creepy Uncle Andy X-Mas has been watching too much Fight Club. I’m not sure where he gets time to wrestle in the TWD and front as all these common place members of society, not to mention that he’s apparently stalking me-which I secretly believe is only a way to get his hands under those sweet goat pants of Humphries-
Perv.
TL: Where does he find the time? If he starts talking about making soap, I’m calling the cops.
Luger swings the mallet and again sprays ham across the room.
Alexis: I’m outta here, this is just disgusting-
Lex leaves as Luger just ignores her and pulls out another plump pork roast.
TL: So let’s start a debate, shall we? Here’s the topic: Andrew Christmas Ham-Pedophile or Eunuch? There’s a good argument for either. On one hand, he’s really creepy which seems to scream pedophile.
The mallet slams down and pumps pig into the room.
TL: However, he seems to be a gutless coward which makes me think Eunuch-
Luger sets up another ham, because like guys like Andy X-Mas, they’re a dime a dozen.
TL: Let’s debate this topic: How on Earth is Andy X-Mas going to beat me in the opening round of the BKI?
He can’t.
TL: Some say he will do his own creepy version of “homework” and get an edge, but I think that’s just going to get him cornholed if he ever goes to prison. Not that he’d complain.
SMASH! More pork mist. More fresh ham being set up from the ice chest.
TL: Others say he’s really just a sly fox and that this retarded, castrated pedophile thing is a cover and he’s really a wrestling shark. That buried beneath the creepy, weird facade is a dominant champion.
Luger shoulders the mallet and ponders what that would be like. Awful comes to mind.
TL: I somehow doubt it though. Who the hell want to see that freak show as the Heavy Weight Champion. I’d rather bow down to Sharkman Steele than acknowledge Andy X-Mas as our champ.
The mallet comes down for the final time, sending more pig flying in all directions. Humphries wipes the pork spray from his eyes and licks his lips. Frank is eating handfulls out of the trash can.
TL: Here’s the deal Andrew, can I call you that? Good.
We’re so close, after all we’re smell buddies!
TL: All this talk aside, at the end of the day it’s still you versus me and I love my odds in that matchup. Come to think of it, I love my odds in a me versus anyone match up, so-
Luger v. X-Mas Infinite::1
TL: When we’re battling in those trenches and all my Lugernauts are rallying behind me, rest assured, all the research you’ve done on me will mean dick as I’m curb stomping your awkward face in.
Now say goodnight.
TL: The only thing you’re going to learn about me is that I am indeed better than you. I’m a much superior specimen and you’re a wart on the roster of this fine federation. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be jobbing to Adam Young in no time-
Luger cracks that effervescent smile of his, like Alkaseltzer for the soul.
TL: Or at the very worst you can naked wrestle Humphries-
Humphries: What?!
Scene fades, but Lugernauts never die!
A standard wooden, box style podium with a bunch of microphones sticking out of them, and emblazoned with a not so standard TWD logo on the front.
There is a palpable hue of anticipation, and an electric buzz in the air from the chatter of the impromptu press conference.
Humphries, the goat panted lad and sidekick to Tomas Luger, walks up to the podium and waits for the buzz to die down.
Humphries: Good evening, and thank you for coming on such short notice. And now, ladies and gentlemen I’d like you all to welcome the Champion of the Masses and your next TWD Heavyweight Champion, Tomas Luger.
Luger walks out to an obvious applause track and the camera pans out to the audience and we see Humphries sitting on a chair in the locker room area, next to him on a bench is a tape recorder that is blaring a false clapping noise. Alexis is sitting cross legged, looking rather annoyed and filing her nails on a chair next to Humphries. Frank Stinknatra is curled up, passed out in front of the cubbies. Humphries clicks off the laugh track.
TL: Thank you, thank you all for coming. Now I know many of you have several questions you’d like to ask your new fan candidate in this years BKI tournament, but due to expense issues-
Alexis: You mean we’re practically a non profit crime syndicate-
TL: We’ve had to take e-mails and read them aloud and answer them here, at this press conference.
Humphries: Isn’t there supposed to be press at a press conference?
TL: Shut up kid. Alexis, please tell me what our first Lugernaut has to say-
Alexis: “Are you going to grow back your incredibly insane hair? I really liked the spikes and crazy goatee. Tim, New Mexico.”
TL: Good question Tim, and let me thank you for remembering me with hair. As many of you know, Rob Blondie, my former mentor, shaved my head in a hair versus hair match. Incidentally, Rob Blondie has a flaccid penis. Next question please-
Humphries: “Hey Tom! What do you have in store for your final two contestants trying to join your Rabble? I want to be entered in next year’s competition, as I think I’d make a great addition. Pete, Wisconsin.”
TL: Now I don’t want to give away too much, but let me tell you they are going to have their work cut out for them. I’ve got something pretty good lined up for good ol Justin York and Luke Savage. As far as future considerations, these are the roles I’m looking to fill in my crew of scumbags:
Disease Carrier
Mascot
Satan Worshiper
Jew
Computer Technician
Auto Mechanic
Dental Assistant
or you can get your diploma or GED.
Call 1-800-SCUMBAG, that’s 1-800-728-6224.
Next question.
Alexis: “Do you like grapes? Mindy, Maine.”
TL: Mindy Main is one of my favorite porn stars, thank you for writing in. I love grapes, but I hate grape juice. I love grape jelly, but hate jelly donuts. Life’s funny like that. Next question.”
Humphries: “I’ve started a Lugernauts crew and was wondering if you would give us big shout outs next time you’re on camera. Phil, Iowa.”
TL: Of course, Phil. I’m down for anyone starting a group of people and doing things, whether illegal or not, and giving me credit for driving them to do it. I’d like to shout out to Phil and the whole Lugernaut Crew in Iowa: Big T, Sasha, Mike and Zane at Effects Graphics Inc., Holister Boy DJ, Owen, T-Real and O-Money and the Southsider Ryders. Stay up, playahs!
I have time to field one more question, so make it a good one Lex!
Alexis: I’m not digging through this stack of fan mail to find you one from someone with some sense of literary or decency, you get what you get Tomas.
Alexis begins rumaging through the mail bag while Frank poops in a garbage can. The camera quickly pans as Alexis finds one and unfolds it angrily.
Alexis: “Tomas, are you worried about Andy Christ as your first round opponent for the BKI 08? I would be, he reminds me of an uncle I had that used to touch me and my sister inappropriately when we were kids. I’m pulling for you, and so is my therapist. Katie, Tennessee.”
TL: Well you can rest assured that I’m not afraid of Andrew Christmas Ham as an opponent, but I like you am worried about him touching me inappropriately during our match. I’m thinking about boobytraping my crotch just in case, but we’ll see. I don’t want to make the package look awkward. You see, Andy X-Mas is the under-carder of Jugghead ENT, so it’s like facing the worst special olympian. He’s still a retard. I have to tell you, I invited Andy X-Mas to be here today and have a debate, but he had an appointment at a middle school to do a public health service. Will the students of Alamo Heights Junior High please not go to school tomorrow, please...
Tomas pauses and motions for Humphries to come up to the front. Humphries turns the podium sideways and there appears to be a wooden handle sticking up behind where the podium used to be. There’s also an ice chest behind Tomas Luger that was unseen before.
Luger always finds that old gags work the best, that’s why he likes Kersh’s mom.
TL: Yes, Andrew Christmas Ham couldn’t be here today, but I did find a real Christmas Ham-
Luger dips into the ice chest and pulls out a ham, then hoists the wooden handle up to reveal an over sized rubber mallet.
Old gag made less fruity.
TL: So what do you do when you have an unruly Christmas Ham? Luger-Matic!
Luger swings the mallet down and sprays ham all over the room. Luger wipes the ham from his eyes and reaches down into the ice chest and pulls out yet another hunk of pork.
TL: Andy X-Mas, I’m not sure what to make of you. But appearantly you like the smell of a nice Tomas Luger home brew, so-
Luger turns, bares an ass cheek an rips a nice, juicy, ripe one right on the ham.
TL: Smells like the shit that comes from Kingpin’s mouth-
Kingpin, CEO of a garbage barge.
TL: I’m not sure what that vacuum thing was all about, but I’m thinking Creepy Uncle Andy X-Mas has been watching too much Fight Club. I’m not sure where he gets time to wrestle in the TWD and front as all these common place members of society, not to mention that he’s apparently stalking me-which I secretly believe is only a way to get his hands under those sweet goat pants of Humphries-
Perv.
TL: Where does he find the time? If he starts talking about making soap, I’m calling the cops.
Luger swings the mallet and again sprays ham across the room.
Alexis: I’m outta here, this is just disgusting-
Lex leaves as Luger just ignores her and pulls out another plump pork roast.
TL: So let’s start a debate, shall we? Here’s the topic: Andrew Christmas Ham-Pedophile or Eunuch? There’s a good argument for either. On one hand, he’s really creepy which seems to scream pedophile.
The mallet slams down and pumps pig into the room.
TL: However, he seems to be a gutless coward which makes me think Eunuch-
Luger sets up another ham, because like guys like Andy X-Mas, they’re a dime a dozen.
TL: Let’s debate this topic: How on Earth is Andy X-Mas going to beat me in the opening round of the BKI?
He can’t.
TL: Some say he will do his own creepy version of “homework” and get an edge, but I think that’s just going to get him cornholed if he ever goes to prison. Not that he’d complain.
SMASH! More pork mist. More fresh ham being set up from the ice chest.
TL: Others say he’s really just a sly fox and that this retarded, castrated pedophile thing is a cover and he’s really a wrestling shark. That buried beneath the creepy, weird facade is a dominant champion.
Luger shoulders the mallet and ponders what that would be like. Awful comes to mind.
TL: I somehow doubt it though. Who the hell want to see that freak show as the Heavy Weight Champion. I’d rather bow down to Sharkman Steele than acknowledge Andy X-Mas as our champ.
The mallet comes down for the final time, sending more pig flying in all directions. Humphries wipes the pork spray from his eyes and licks his lips. Frank is eating handfulls out of the trash can.
TL: Here’s the deal Andrew, can I call you that? Good.
We’re so close, after all we’re smell buddies!
TL: All this talk aside, at the end of the day it’s still you versus me and I love my odds in that matchup. Come to think of it, I love my odds in a me versus anyone match up, so-
Luger v. X-Mas Infinite::1
TL: When we’re battling in those trenches and all my Lugernauts are rallying behind me, rest assured, all the research you’ve done on me will mean dick as I’m curb stomping your awkward face in.
Now say goodnight.
TL: The only thing you’re going to learn about me is that I am indeed better than you. I’m a much superior specimen and you’re a wart on the roster of this fine federation. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be jobbing to Adam Young in no time-
Luger cracks that effervescent smile of his, like Alkaseltzer for the soul.
TL: Or at the very worst you can naked wrestle Humphries-
Humphries: What?!
Scene fades, but Lugernauts never die!