Post by The Wizard of Ahhhhs on Jul 31, 2008 22:45:01 GMT -5
(The scene opens. The Wizard of Ahhhhs is seated at a computer, hunting and pecking away on the keyboard. He keeps looking up at the monitor to check his progress and then back down at the keyboard, keeping his head a few inches off the keyboard. The huge fucking guy walks up behind him and all you can see are his tree trunks of legs and mid section in the camera. He clears his throat.)
Huge Guy: Ahhhhem....
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs is so startled his head violently shoots forward and smacks the monitor with his head. The monitor is flung backwards off the table and crashing down the ground.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: FUCK ME RUNNING!
(He clutches his head with an open hand and twirls around, pointing a stern finger upwards into the face of the huge guy.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: YOU DID IT AGAIN!
(Drawing back his finger, he points it even further up into the huge guy's face, causing him to grimace.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: YOU ASSHOLE! NINCOMPOOP! BRICK SHITHOUSE FUCKTARD!
Huge Guy: I'm sorry.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs draws back his finger and again, drives it up into the face of the huge guy without saying a word, as if he was driving his point home with an inaudible gesture. He turns around and looks down at the monitor laying on the ground. Resolution bars are cycling their way from the bottom of the screen up to the top, showcasing the inactivity of the monitor capturing a signal from the computer. The monitor casing is split down the center from the fall to the floor.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Crap...
(The scene cuts.)
(The scene re-opens and the huge guy is pressing the monitor from either side, trying to compress the sides together. The Wizard of Ahhhhs has a roll of duct tape in his hands and he is wrapping the top of the monitor from side to side. He looks down at his work and then becomes irate.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MOVE YOUR HANDS!
(The huge guy looks down as his hands have been duct taped around the monitor holding it together.)
Huge Guy: When was I supposed to stop holding it together?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: You've got to be KIDDING ME?!?!
(The scene cuts.)
(The scene opens yet again, as there is an enormous vice grip on the monitor holding it together.)
Huge Guy: Now what?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: ........ Hot pockets?
Huge Guy: Dood!
(The scene cuts as they walk away.)
(The scene explodes open from black to color. The Wizard of Ahhhhs is seated at the computer with a Hot Pocket in one hand. He is hunting and pecking with one finger. The Huge Guy is sitting beside him, holding his Hot Pocket high up into the air, with a LONG string of melted cheese hanging between his mouth and his meal. The string becomes more extended as he stretches the distance further, until it snaps from the Hot Pocket and wraps around his face.)
Huge Guy: Awww, man. Whatcha looking up on there?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: I'm looking for a wrestling school.
Huge Guy: Why, aren't you already a wrestler?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Yes, but I'm not a very good one like that Luke Savage.
Huge Guy: Yea, he beat you last week.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: WHAT?!? Get your facts straight. He beat Adam Young, not me. He still won the match and not me.
Huge Guy: Yea.... Hey man... didn't you see him last week on TV? He was having sex while he was talking trash about you.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Jesus, that's sickening.
Huge Guy: When are you going to do that?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Truthfully... the second Tuesday of Never.
Huge Guy: What month does that fall in?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Febtober.
Huge Guy: Oh yea, that's right.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs continues to hunt and peck, taking only a moment to bite onto his Hot Pocket.)
Huge Guy: Why don't you have some sex and trash talk somebody? It looked like a good time.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs stops typing and looks back at the huge guy. He actually turns his chair a bit to face him.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: I know you're going to have a difficult time with this one, but try to wrap your head around this notion, m'kay?
Huge Guy: Yezzz.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: I don't plan on and won't ever have sex with a woman if I'm talking trash to another man and I'll tell you why. Luke Savage might call himself a "Porn God"...
(The Wizard does the mid-air quote-unquote marks with his fingers.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: ... but to me, that just sounds like someone wearing spandex that I don't ever want to be around. If he can maintain an erection while running his mouth, I think that just makes him a little fruity-tooty.
Huge Guy: What about the girl though? She was all getting into it and stuff.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Women fake orgasms all the time. It's so they don't hurt the confidence of the men they are screwing. They wait until the break up to start to do that stuff.
(The Huge Guy nods.)
Huge Guy: So why are you going to go to a wrestling school?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: $1,400 DOLLARS?!?!?! Where am I going to get that kind of money?
Huge Guy: Hmmmm......
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Dammit, I don't have that kind of money.
Huge Guy: Dood! I've got an idea!
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: You had better be able to improve on silence.
(The scene cuts.)
(The scene fucking opens for the last damn time. The two men are standing out in a parking lot. The huge guy is dressed in shorts and a muscle tee. The Wizard of Ahhhhs is dressed in nothing but a yellow speedo with some white sunscreen on his nose. They are holding up signs and shouting at the top of their lungs at passing traffic.)
Huge Guy: CAR WASH!
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: CAR WASH!
(The scene cuts.)
Huge Guy: Ahhhhem....
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs is so startled his head violently shoots forward and smacks the monitor with his head. The monitor is flung backwards off the table and crashing down the ground.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: FUCK ME RUNNING!
(He clutches his head with an open hand and twirls around, pointing a stern finger upwards into the face of the huge guy.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: YOU DID IT AGAIN!
(Drawing back his finger, he points it even further up into the huge guy's face, causing him to grimace.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: YOU ASSHOLE! NINCOMPOOP! BRICK SHITHOUSE FUCKTARD!
Huge Guy: I'm sorry.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs draws back his finger and again, drives it up into the face of the huge guy without saying a word, as if he was driving his point home with an inaudible gesture. He turns around and looks down at the monitor laying on the ground. Resolution bars are cycling their way from the bottom of the screen up to the top, showcasing the inactivity of the monitor capturing a signal from the computer. The monitor casing is split down the center from the fall to the floor.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Crap...
(The scene cuts.)
(The scene re-opens and the huge guy is pressing the monitor from either side, trying to compress the sides together. The Wizard of Ahhhhs has a roll of duct tape in his hands and he is wrapping the top of the monitor from side to side. He looks down at his work and then becomes irate.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MOVE YOUR HANDS!
(The huge guy looks down as his hands have been duct taped around the monitor holding it together.)
Huge Guy: When was I supposed to stop holding it together?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: You've got to be KIDDING ME?!?!
(The scene cuts.)
(The scene opens yet again, as there is an enormous vice grip on the monitor holding it together.)
Huge Guy: Now what?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: ........ Hot pockets?
Huge Guy: Dood!
(The scene cuts as they walk away.)
(The scene explodes open from black to color. The Wizard of Ahhhhs is seated at the computer with a Hot Pocket in one hand. He is hunting and pecking with one finger. The Huge Guy is sitting beside him, holding his Hot Pocket high up into the air, with a LONG string of melted cheese hanging between his mouth and his meal. The string becomes more extended as he stretches the distance further, until it snaps from the Hot Pocket and wraps around his face.)
Huge Guy: Awww, man. Whatcha looking up on there?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: I'm looking for a wrestling school.
Huge Guy: Why, aren't you already a wrestler?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Yes, but I'm not a very good one like that Luke Savage.
Huge Guy: Yea, he beat you last week.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: WHAT?!? Get your facts straight. He beat Adam Young, not me. He still won the match and not me.
Huge Guy: Yea.... Hey man... didn't you see him last week on TV? He was having sex while he was talking trash about you.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Jesus, that's sickening.
Huge Guy: When are you going to do that?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Truthfully... the second Tuesday of Never.
Huge Guy: What month does that fall in?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Febtober.
Huge Guy: Oh yea, that's right.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs continues to hunt and peck, taking only a moment to bite onto his Hot Pocket.)
Huge Guy: Why don't you have some sex and trash talk somebody? It looked like a good time.
(The Wizard of Ahhhhs stops typing and looks back at the huge guy. He actually turns his chair a bit to face him.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: I know you're going to have a difficult time with this one, but try to wrap your head around this notion, m'kay?
Huge Guy: Yezzz.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: I don't plan on and won't ever have sex with a woman if I'm talking trash to another man and I'll tell you why. Luke Savage might call himself a "Porn God"...
(The Wizard does the mid-air quote-unquote marks with his fingers.)
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: ... but to me, that just sounds like someone wearing spandex that I don't ever want to be around. If he can maintain an erection while running his mouth, I think that just makes him a little fruity-tooty.
Huge Guy: What about the girl though? She was all getting into it and stuff.
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Women fake orgasms all the time. It's so they don't hurt the confidence of the men they are screwing. They wait until the break up to start to do that stuff.
(The Huge Guy nods.)
Huge Guy: So why are you going to go to a wrestling school?
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: $1,400 DOLLARS?!?!?! Where am I going to get that kind of money?
Huge Guy: Hmmmm......
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: Dammit, I don't have that kind of money.
Huge Guy: Dood! I've got an idea!
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: You had better be able to improve on silence.
(The scene cuts.)
(The scene fucking opens for the last damn time. The two men are standing out in a parking lot. The huge guy is dressed in shorts and a muscle tee. The Wizard of Ahhhhs is dressed in nothing but a yellow speedo with some white sunscreen on his nose. They are holding up signs and shouting at the top of their lungs at passing traffic.)
Huge Guy: CAR WASH!
The Wizard of Ahhhhs: CAR WASH!
(The scene cuts.)