Post by Tomas Luger on Sept 19, 2008 2:15:12 GMT -5
We’re backstage at the Family Feud taping. Humphries is playing with a yo-yo, Alexis is adjusting her boobs in her shirt and Frank appears to be stuffing roast beef cold cuts in his tattered sports coat pocket.
Tomas Luger is no where to be found.
A stage hand comes over holding a clipboard.
Clipboard: Hey, you guys are the...Rabble Family?
Alexis: Yeah, that’s us I suppose...
Clipboard: There’s only two of you. Where are your other three members?
Alexis: Well, one of them is over at the buffet table-
The attendant with the clipboard peers over Alexis’ shoulder and gives her a strange look.
Clipboard: The...vagrant?
Humphries: Frank’s not a vagrant! He’s just a bum...
Alexis: Yeah, and Tomas should be here any minute with our fifth member-
Clipboard: Well he better hurry, you guys are on in a minute.
A voice can be heard, out of breath and coming down a hallway.
TL: It’s cool! We’re here!
Luger runs up to the group and doubles over, catching his breath.
Alexis: You call yourself a professional? What’s with the wheezing?
Humphries: Who’d you get to be our fifth family member?
Luger points over his shoulder as he remains bent over, clasping his knees and struggling to breath.
TL: He drove...I thought...done for....never get in car....with him.....
A silhouette appears stumbling down the hallway Luger just emerged from. He staggers out of the door way and nearly falls face first into the buffet table. He jostles Frank Stinknatra, who snatches away his lunch meats and pushes the obviously drunk man toward Luger and the other Rabble members. It’s not until he throws up a bit and wipes his mouth on Humphries’ shirt that he stands up right and we see his face.
Alexis: SHAI LABEOUF?!?!?!?!
Sure enough, it’s the dead drunk star of such quality box office smashes like Disturbia and Transformers.
Shai: Wassup girl? You wanna suck on my Labeoufstick?
Clipboard: You guys need to get in position, O’Hurley’s about to announce you!
Alexis and Humphries walk over to the family room setting and take positions, Luger collects Frank and Shia and makes it in the nick of time.
John O’Hurley: And introducing their opponents, The Rabble Family-
The devider spins off and Alexis waves and takes her spot at the lead of the table. Humphries stands next, followed by Luger and Frank.
O’Hurley: Uh-oh, Rabble family, it appears that one of your members has passed out in our fake living room-
Alexis: Luger!
Tomas goes over to the actor and slaps him awake. Labeouf stumbles up to his spot on the table and lays his head down on his arms in front of him.
O’Hurley: Alright, Joyce family. Curtis, why don’t you introduce me to your lovely family.
From left to right there is a fat man. A really fat man. Fatter than that. Not fat enough. Then there’s an ugly, old, hag of a woman. Like the kind that would build a candy house just to eat children. Next there’s a hot, twenty something with a great rack. Followed by a snot nosed, little kid with ADD and an extremely disinterested, teenage girl listening to an iPod.
Curtis: My name’s Curtis Joyce and this is my lovely wife Nancy-
TL: Lovely my ass!
Curtis looks shocked and O’Hurley shoots Luger a menacing look.
Curtis: This is my beautiful daughter, Etta-
TL: Hey baby, you over eighteen and can you keep a secret?
O’Hurley: Mr. Luger, if you please! Go on, Curtis-
Curtis: This is my son, Tod and my other daughter Kat.
O’Hurley: Best of luck, Joyce family. Now we head over to The Rabble family, who hopefully doesn’t mind if the Joyces yell some things at them. Alexis, why don’t you tell me about your family-
Alexis: Well, this is Humphries. He’s a little slow. We got Tomas, the leader of this pack of pathetic. That’s a bum we found on the street, and the drunk on the end is Shai Labeouf.
The host heads down to the snoring actor and lifts his head.
O’Hurley: By God! It is Shai Labeouf. How are you all related-
TL: By our love for money, don’t make me request that Louie Anderson takes back over the show you Sienfeld coat tailer.
John O’Hurley heads over to the podium as Shai stirs and blinks drunkenly at the bright lights.
O’Hurley: Face off time, Alexis, Curtis-
Alexis walks sexily to the podium, causing a few cat calls from the audience. The fat leader of the other family waddles up to the podium and extends his hand.
Alexis: No thanks, I’d rather not.
The large gentleman rescinds his hand and looks somewhat hurt. John O’Hurley stifles a chuckle.
O’Hurley: We surveyed one hundred people, top six answers are on the board. Name something men do that make their wives angry-Alexis!
Alexis: Sleep around.
The crowd chuckles and the host looks Alexis up and down before waving toward the board.
O’Hurley: Show me, “sleep around”-number one answer. Pass or play, Rabble Family?
Alexis: We’ll play, John.
Alexis takes her spot and the fatso waddles back to his family. John saunters over to Humphries.
O’Hurley: Son, tell me something men do that make their wives angry.
Humphries: I know when Alexis gets really mad at Tomas it’s usually about money...
O’Hurley: So, what’s your answer?
Humphries: Spend to much money?
O’Hurley: Show me, “spend too much money”-it’s up there, number two. Alright, Tomas. You seem like you’ve made a few ladies mad in your lifetime-
TL: You’ve probably done the same to many older broads, am I right Johnny?
O’Hurley: Oh, Tomas, you have no idea. Gimme something that men do to make their wives angry.
TL: They, um...fart in the bed?
O’Hurley’s face turns red and the audience laughs.
TL: What, I’ve gotten “teethed” for farting before. Women get angry-
O’Hurley: Show me...”fart in the bed”
XXXXXXX!!!!!!
O’Hurley: Oh, big strike there. Okay, Frank. Something men do that make wives angry?
Frank just stares at him, blankly.
O’Hurley: Gotta hurry, Frank, five seconds-
Frank reaches behind him and into his pants. He smears shit all over his shirt and the table in front of him. John O’Hurley immediately begins vomiting and the show cuts to commercial.
Alexis: Frank! What the hell are you doing??!?!?!
The bum shrugs and pulls roast beef out of his pocket and begins eating with his poopy hands.
Humphries: Hey, where’d Shai Labeouf go?
Alexis: Where’d Tomas go, for that matter?
Humphries: Tomas is over there, talking to that girl-
Shai Labeouf can be seen slightly offstage blowing up, what appears to be a raft or something.
TL: So, you wanna go grab some drinks after the show?
Etta: I’m not gonna get shit wiped all over me am I?
TL: No, he doesn’t get out much-
Curtis: What the hell do you think you’re doing?
The fat father of the family has waddled up and is staring daggers at Tomas Luger.
Etta: Nothing, dad-
TL: Hey pops! I’m Tomas Luger, perhaps you’ve heard of me. Famous wrestler-
Curtis: You’re not nearly famous enough to be talking to my daughter-
TL: How would you like backstage passes to the next Showdown?
The snot nosed boy in the Joyce family begins tugging his dads sleeve.
Snotty Kid: What’s Indiana Jones guy doing?
Shai Labeouf has blown up a blow up doll, a BBW style one, from the looks of it, and is now making it give him oral pleasure.
Curtis: We’re outta here. Somebody should call the cops-
The Joyce family is herded off the set by their fat father-
TL: Call me, baby-
Luger shares a wink and a naughty look with the chesty hottie in the family before heading to the podium to look for John O’Hurley.
TL: Hey, O’Hurley! The other team forfeited, we’re ready for fast money!
The stage hand with the clipboard appears around the side of the set and flags down Luger. Luger hustles over and finds John O’Hurley throwing up in a trash bucket.
TL: C’mon, it was just a little shit-
More power puking.
TL: Let’s go, Johnny, we’ve got fast money to play. The other team already left and I promise the bum or Labeouf won’t play. In fact-
Luger looks over his shoulder and Frank is gone and Labeouf is passed out under the first camera, pants around his ankles and attached to a plump, half blown up sex doll.
TL: They might just be done for the day already. C’mon, John. Let’s finish the show.
O’Hurley nods and motions for Luger to leave. Luger heads over to Alexis and Humphries.
TL: Alright, Lex, this is it. We’re going for twenty g’s, you and me-
Alexis: How bout me and Humphries, Tom?
TL: No, it’s gotta be you and me. I’m bigger than Humphries, so I could beat him up. I’m going. I’ll go first, I’ll win it for us and you just be our safety net.
Alexis: Whatever...
Alexis storms off to be put in the soundproof, offstage area and O’Hurley comes back to stand beside Luger.
O’Hurley(leaning into talk to Tomas):We’re finishing out fast money, but you’ll be hearing from our lawyers-
TL(leaning right back in.): Did you know that Shai Labeouf is on camera here having sex with a blow up, plastic doll? This show’s never going to see the light of day. Let’s just play and see what happens, huh?
O’Hurley: Welcome back, I’m here with Tomas of the Rabble family. They’re our winners, I guess, and they’re going to play fast money. Alexis is already offstage, let’s skip the formalities and get right down to it. Twenty seconds starts when I read the first question-
Name something women put in their hair-
TL: Jizz-shit!
O’Hurley:...um...name a type of transportation used by commuters-
TL: cyborg-
O’Hurley: What percent of American’s watch local news?
TL: Zero, that shit is boring-
O’Hurley: Name a food one would find in a fast food restraunt-
TL: Clowns-shit!
O’Hurley: Name an animal that starts with the letter “K”-
TL: Kaleidoscope-shit!
O’Hurley: Times up, let’s see how you did-
Suddenly, and from out of no where, Frank Stinknatra runs onstage and tackles John O’Hurley and begins stuffing his tie in his mouth, using his shit covered hands to do so. Quickly, Luger snatches the hosts wallet out of his pocket and digs out the cash.
TL: Yes! Four hundred bucks! We’re outta here, Rabble, move out!
Humphries: What about Shai?
He’s still curled up with his “girlfriend” next to camera one.
TL: He can call a cab, he needs to sleep this one off.
Be sure to watch Showdown to see The Champion of the Masses fend off Rob Blondie and Shaka Sho’ Nuff!!!
Tomas Luger is no where to be found.
A stage hand comes over holding a clipboard.
Clipboard: Hey, you guys are the...Rabble Family?
Alexis: Yeah, that’s us I suppose...
Clipboard: There’s only two of you. Where are your other three members?
Alexis: Well, one of them is over at the buffet table-
The attendant with the clipboard peers over Alexis’ shoulder and gives her a strange look.
Clipboard: The...vagrant?
Humphries: Frank’s not a vagrant! He’s just a bum...
Alexis: Yeah, and Tomas should be here any minute with our fifth member-
Clipboard: Well he better hurry, you guys are on in a minute.
A voice can be heard, out of breath and coming down a hallway.
TL: It’s cool! We’re here!
Luger runs up to the group and doubles over, catching his breath.
Alexis: You call yourself a professional? What’s with the wheezing?
Humphries: Who’d you get to be our fifth family member?
Luger points over his shoulder as he remains bent over, clasping his knees and struggling to breath.
TL: He drove...I thought...done for....never get in car....with him.....
A silhouette appears stumbling down the hallway Luger just emerged from. He staggers out of the door way and nearly falls face first into the buffet table. He jostles Frank Stinknatra, who snatches away his lunch meats and pushes the obviously drunk man toward Luger and the other Rabble members. It’s not until he throws up a bit and wipes his mouth on Humphries’ shirt that he stands up right and we see his face.
Alexis: SHAI LABEOUF?!?!?!?!
Sure enough, it’s the dead drunk star of such quality box office smashes like Disturbia and Transformers.
Shai: Wassup girl? You wanna suck on my Labeoufstick?
Clipboard: You guys need to get in position, O’Hurley’s about to announce you!
Alexis and Humphries walk over to the family room setting and take positions, Luger collects Frank and Shia and makes it in the nick of time.
John O’Hurley: And introducing their opponents, The Rabble Family-
The devider spins off and Alexis waves and takes her spot at the lead of the table. Humphries stands next, followed by Luger and Frank.
O’Hurley: Uh-oh, Rabble family, it appears that one of your members has passed out in our fake living room-
Alexis: Luger!
Tomas goes over to the actor and slaps him awake. Labeouf stumbles up to his spot on the table and lays his head down on his arms in front of him.
O’Hurley: Alright, Joyce family. Curtis, why don’t you introduce me to your lovely family.
From left to right there is a fat man. A really fat man. Fatter than that. Not fat enough. Then there’s an ugly, old, hag of a woman. Like the kind that would build a candy house just to eat children. Next there’s a hot, twenty something with a great rack. Followed by a snot nosed, little kid with ADD and an extremely disinterested, teenage girl listening to an iPod.
Curtis: My name’s Curtis Joyce and this is my lovely wife Nancy-
TL: Lovely my ass!
Curtis looks shocked and O’Hurley shoots Luger a menacing look.
Curtis: This is my beautiful daughter, Etta-
TL: Hey baby, you over eighteen and can you keep a secret?
O’Hurley: Mr. Luger, if you please! Go on, Curtis-
Curtis: This is my son, Tod and my other daughter Kat.
O’Hurley: Best of luck, Joyce family. Now we head over to The Rabble family, who hopefully doesn’t mind if the Joyces yell some things at them. Alexis, why don’t you tell me about your family-
Alexis: Well, this is Humphries. He’s a little slow. We got Tomas, the leader of this pack of pathetic. That’s a bum we found on the street, and the drunk on the end is Shai Labeouf.
The host heads down to the snoring actor and lifts his head.
O’Hurley: By God! It is Shai Labeouf. How are you all related-
TL: By our love for money, don’t make me request that Louie Anderson takes back over the show you Sienfeld coat tailer.
John O’Hurley heads over to the podium as Shai stirs and blinks drunkenly at the bright lights.
O’Hurley: Face off time, Alexis, Curtis-
Alexis walks sexily to the podium, causing a few cat calls from the audience. The fat leader of the other family waddles up to the podium and extends his hand.
Alexis: No thanks, I’d rather not.
The large gentleman rescinds his hand and looks somewhat hurt. John O’Hurley stifles a chuckle.
O’Hurley: We surveyed one hundred people, top six answers are on the board. Name something men do that make their wives angry-Alexis!
Alexis: Sleep around.
The crowd chuckles and the host looks Alexis up and down before waving toward the board.
O’Hurley: Show me, “sleep around”-number one answer. Pass or play, Rabble Family?
Alexis: We’ll play, John.
Alexis takes her spot and the fatso waddles back to his family. John saunters over to Humphries.
O’Hurley: Son, tell me something men do that make their wives angry.
Humphries: I know when Alexis gets really mad at Tomas it’s usually about money...
O’Hurley: So, what’s your answer?
Humphries: Spend to much money?
O’Hurley: Show me, “spend too much money”-it’s up there, number two. Alright, Tomas. You seem like you’ve made a few ladies mad in your lifetime-
TL: You’ve probably done the same to many older broads, am I right Johnny?
O’Hurley: Oh, Tomas, you have no idea. Gimme something that men do to make their wives angry.
TL: They, um...fart in the bed?
O’Hurley’s face turns red and the audience laughs.
TL: What, I’ve gotten “teethed” for farting before. Women get angry-
O’Hurley: Show me...”fart in the bed”
XXXXXXX!!!!!!
O’Hurley: Oh, big strike there. Okay, Frank. Something men do that make wives angry?
Frank just stares at him, blankly.
O’Hurley: Gotta hurry, Frank, five seconds-
Frank reaches behind him and into his pants. He smears shit all over his shirt and the table in front of him. John O’Hurley immediately begins vomiting and the show cuts to commercial.
Alexis: Frank! What the hell are you doing??!?!?!
The bum shrugs and pulls roast beef out of his pocket and begins eating with his poopy hands.
Humphries: Hey, where’d Shai Labeouf go?
Alexis: Where’d Tomas go, for that matter?
Humphries: Tomas is over there, talking to that girl-
Shai Labeouf can be seen slightly offstage blowing up, what appears to be a raft or something.
TL: So, you wanna go grab some drinks after the show?
Etta: I’m not gonna get shit wiped all over me am I?
TL: No, he doesn’t get out much-
Curtis: What the hell do you think you’re doing?
The fat father of the family has waddled up and is staring daggers at Tomas Luger.
Etta: Nothing, dad-
TL: Hey pops! I’m Tomas Luger, perhaps you’ve heard of me. Famous wrestler-
Curtis: You’re not nearly famous enough to be talking to my daughter-
TL: How would you like backstage passes to the next Showdown?
The snot nosed boy in the Joyce family begins tugging his dads sleeve.
Snotty Kid: What’s Indiana Jones guy doing?
Shai Labeouf has blown up a blow up doll, a BBW style one, from the looks of it, and is now making it give him oral pleasure.
Curtis: We’re outta here. Somebody should call the cops-
The Joyce family is herded off the set by their fat father-
TL: Call me, baby-
Luger shares a wink and a naughty look with the chesty hottie in the family before heading to the podium to look for John O’Hurley.
TL: Hey, O’Hurley! The other team forfeited, we’re ready for fast money!
The stage hand with the clipboard appears around the side of the set and flags down Luger. Luger hustles over and finds John O’Hurley throwing up in a trash bucket.
TL: C’mon, it was just a little shit-
More power puking.
TL: Let’s go, Johnny, we’ve got fast money to play. The other team already left and I promise the bum or Labeouf won’t play. In fact-
Luger looks over his shoulder and Frank is gone and Labeouf is passed out under the first camera, pants around his ankles and attached to a plump, half blown up sex doll.
TL: They might just be done for the day already. C’mon, John. Let’s finish the show.
O’Hurley nods and motions for Luger to leave. Luger heads over to Alexis and Humphries.
TL: Alright, Lex, this is it. We’re going for twenty g’s, you and me-
Alexis: How bout me and Humphries, Tom?
TL: No, it’s gotta be you and me. I’m bigger than Humphries, so I could beat him up. I’m going. I’ll go first, I’ll win it for us and you just be our safety net.
Alexis: Whatever...
Alexis storms off to be put in the soundproof, offstage area and O’Hurley comes back to stand beside Luger.
O’Hurley(leaning into talk to Tomas):We’re finishing out fast money, but you’ll be hearing from our lawyers-
TL(leaning right back in.): Did you know that Shai Labeouf is on camera here having sex with a blow up, plastic doll? This show’s never going to see the light of day. Let’s just play and see what happens, huh?
O’Hurley: Welcome back, I’m here with Tomas of the Rabble family. They’re our winners, I guess, and they’re going to play fast money. Alexis is already offstage, let’s skip the formalities and get right down to it. Twenty seconds starts when I read the first question-
Name something women put in their hair-
TL: Jizz-shit!
O’Hurley:...um...name a type of transportation used by commuters-
TL: cyborg-
O’Hurley: What percent of American’s watch local news?
TL: Zero, that shit is boring-
O’Hurley: Name a food one would find in a fast food restraunt-
TL: Clowns-shit!
O’Hurley: Name an animal that starts with the letter “K”-
TL: Kaleidoscope-shit!
O’Hurley: Times up, let’s see how you did-
Suddenly, and from out of no where, Frank Stinknatra runs onstage and tackles John O’Hurley and begins stuffing his tie in his mouth, using his shit covered hands to do so. Quickly, Luger snatches the hosts wallet out of his pocket and digs out the cash.
TL: Yes! Four hundred bucks! We’re outta here, Rabble, move out!
Humphries: What about Shai?
He’s still curled up with his “girlfriend” next to camera one.
TL: He can call a cab, he needs to sleep this one off.
Be sure to watch Showdown to see The Champion of the Masses fend off Rob Blondie and Shaka Sho’ Nuff!!!