Post by Tomas Luger on Nov 6, 2008 4:03:20 GMT -5
Tomas Luger, the man who will be the next TWD Champion AND TWD Tag Team Champion, is sitting alone, bored, on his couch.
The door bell rings and Luger drags himself off of the couch and trudges to the door. He opens it-
Man: Tomas Luger?
Outside the door is a man, in a cheap suit holding an obviously fake microphone, and a woman in a bikini holding an oversized check.
TL: Yeah, that’s me-
Man: Congratulations! You’ve just been selected to receive this check for one gazillion dollars!
The chick in the bikini hands Luger the check, and he in turn slaps her on the ass.
TL: Well, that takes care of that. Dues ex machina style...
Luger slams the door on the both of them. He leans the check against a wall and sits again. Bored and alone on the couch.
****
Enter a kitchen.
Well, less a kitchen and more a kitchen clearly on a television set. The studio audience is abuzz with excitement for the start of the show.
Female Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the King of the Kitchen!!!! Tomaaaaaaas Luuuuuuuger!!!!!
The crowd goes bananas as Tomas comes out to the stove and counter and panders to the audience. He’s wearing a ridiculous chef’s hat and an apron that reads: “kiss me, I’m horny.”
TL: Thank you, thank you! I hope you guys are hungry today, we’ve got a great show planned with plenty of good eats.
More hooting and hollering from the crowd.
TL: I’ve got everything we need today to make a dish you can really feed to your mother-in-law, I’ve done a ton of stocking up and I’m going to teach you how to make a TWD pie!
The crowd is all “ooh’s and ah’s”.
TL: So let’s get started!
The camera pulls into a steady cam and closes in on Tomas moving over to the counter where several covered bowls of ingredients rest, waiting to be combined into something delicious.
TL: So, have you ever been to a party, or a family function, or a wrestling event, and seen the guy sitting in the corner, alone and aloof, and totally pathetic?
Luger begins unwrapping the bowls. He turns on a pan on the stove.
TL: I don’t know how many of you know this or not, but I’m the number one contender to the TWD Heavyweight Championship and I’m going up against one such person. He’s been a nobody all his life, and now he’s a somebody.
The crowd cheers, but Luger puts up his hand.
TL: But the problem is, he’s bland. Vanilla. He’s the champ and...get this...no one cares! The fans cheer, not because he’s the champ, but because he split from Juggy ENT. He mopes about, outcast by choice, and wonders why no body likes him. Why everybody hates him-
Audience all together: Guess I’ll go eat some worms!
TL: That’s right! Today, I’m going to show you how to make a dish known as “Spicy Eno Surprise”. I hope that somewhere out there, Eno is putting down whatever gun he’s cleaning, picture of his family he’s despairing over, whatever, I hope he’s watching. I’m gonna teach him how to become a dish people will flock to, while not selling out his lone wolf spirit.
Luger grabs a bottle filled with some sort of cooking oil.
TL: Pre-heat a pan to medium and add just a little olive oil, about a tablespoon. When the oil is hot enough you’re going to add-
Luger grabs a spatula in one hand and a bowl of mystery ingredient in the other.
TL: Two cups of sugar.
Luger dumps the sugar into the oil and begins stirring it about. It’s clumpy!
TL: Next you add essence of Eno, or a whole pint bottle of vanilla extract.
Luger “glug, glugs” a whole bottle of vanilla into the pot, stirring it into the oily, cooking sugar. The audience is tittering.
TL: After you saute the oil, sugar and vanilla, you gotta get a little meat in there. Eno’s a big, burly dude and he’s got some meat on his bones. I’ve chosen-
Luger dumps a blob of yellow/white “meat” into the pan.
TL: Tripe! Yep, good ol fashion cow stomach!
Luger stirs the mixture around.
TL: Go ahead and get that tripe good and coated in the mixture you’ve got cooking here, and you’re gonna let it brown.
Luger reaches for a casserole dish in a fridge behind him and pulls out a browned tripe lump.
TL: After your tripe is good and browned, you’re gonna flatten it out on a cutting board or wax paper. Then you’re going to put some stuffing on the tripe. Now this can really be whatever you want. I’ve chosen-
Luger grabs three more bowls and begins dumping things on his spread out tripe.
TL: Vinegar soaked onions, Tapatio marinated celery and chocolate pudding. After you have everything evenly spread along your tripe, your going to roll it up jelly roll style and pinch off the ends, like so.
Luger does just what he says, beings as he’s a man of his word. He puts on oven mitts and opens the oven door.
TL: You’re going to bake it at three hundred and fifty degrees for like an hour or so-
Luger pulls out a golden brown, stuffed tripe roll from the oven and puts it on the counter. The Champion of the Masses immediately begins cutting off slices of the dish.
TL: Serve warm with your side dish and, viola! “Spicy Eno Surprise”! Can I have a couple of volunteers from the audience?
A couple of college age guys push each other on stage, laughing and acting like douches the whole time.
Luger hand each a fork and they both hack off a hunk of the dish. Neither wants to be the first and they decide to eat the bite together.
In go the forks. Chewing. Swallowing. Vomiting.
TL: Yeah, Eno Redrum makes me sick too. There you have it! There’s just no way to make Eno Redrum a viable champion, not even in food form. It’s not enough just to be a bully in the ring, you see. You have to have the support of not only the fans, but your fellow wrestlers and the management. Eno, you said so yourself, you’re all alone in this world. You’ve made these people here sick, I’m guessing the fans are sick of you already, and I think from the chatter I’m hearing in the locker room, you’re wearing thin on the boys in the back too. Besides, there’s no way Eno’s ever going to be a surprise. He’s nothing, if not boring.
While the two audience members where busy throwing up, stage hands have cleared the kitchen, and Luger’s ready for his next recipe.
TL: Moving right along, the main event. The TWD pie.
Luger has before him a pie crust in a pie pan.
TL: Now, the basis for any pie is the crust. The basis for the TWD pie is a crust made from guys like The Angry Chef and Terry Dane, Aaron Christopher, The Wizard of Aahs and Off Constantly. You know, crumby, shitty, crusty guys.
Luger pulls closer yet more magically appearing bowls.
TL: Then you have the pie filling, or pie middle. Our TWD pie has guys like Adam, Ace, Arliss, Arwynn, Artichoke and Andrew Young. These guys are the mince meat filling. Old school and no one wants it. You could use fruity guys like Insane “Cherry red, and Licorice black” Insomnia or JahMon “Green’s not just for limes” Rastafari I’m going to use a nice, thick, rich filling. I’m gonna use what’s left of Juggernaut Ent-
Luger tips the bowl and uses a spatula to gloop out...pumpkin?
TL: Kingpin, Andy X-mas, and even that man Dragzilla, are the perfect middle ingredient for our TWD pie. They are thick as thieves and there’s no denying the wealth that they have ammassed, but just like a magnificent, horse drawn coach, The ENT turns back into a pumpkin if given enough time. Now, for my favorite ingredient-whipped cream!
Luger grabs a large spreader out of a Lazy-Susan on the counter. He grabs a tub of Cool Whip and starts smoothing it out.
TL: These are your top cream guys. Dudes like: Tommy O’Malley, yeah I’ve whipped him. Justin York, I’ve probably whipped him. Even a dude that can’t be here tonight, because he’s at home nursing a sore vagina. Katu Tui. Whipped. I prefer to use an extra creamy Cool Whip topping. Guys that I respect and admire because they hold there own atop of any pie. Guys like Rob Blondie and Andrei Karishnikov.
Luger has already carved out a nice thick slice of a cooked pie, that has a nice layer of extra creamy Cool Whip. He holds up but a finger as the crowd applauds this delightful, holiday favorite.
TL: But this piece of pie is missing just one thing. The perfect thing to top this perfect TWD pie. The one thing every slice needs before you sit down to your favorite show, Showdown! A Cherry on top.
Luger puts a dripping maraschino cherry on top, licking his fingers after.
TL: I’m the perfect person to sit atop this federation. I’m a virgin champion, and it’s time for me to pop my cherry. At The Devils Dance, I will. Egos and Icons will wade through the crusty bottom feeders and the middle tier wrestlers and win the introductory TWD Tag Team Titles. I will defeat the mangled heap of bullshit that Eno Redrum has become. Champion in name only, and after our match on November 15, Job, you won’t even have to worry about that anymore. You’ll go back to being a nobody, with no one, from no where.
Watch The Devil's Dance, only on Pay Per View!
The door bell rings and Luger drags himself off of the couch and trudges to the door. He opens it-
Man: Tomas Luger?
Outside the door is a man, in a cheap suit holding an obviously fake microphone, and a woman in a bikini holding an oversized check.
TL: Yeah, that’s me-
Man: Congratulations! You’ve just been selected to receive this check for one gazillion dollars!
The chick in the bikini hands Luger the check, and he in turn slaps her on the ass.
TL: Well, that takes care of that. Dues ex machina style...
Luger slams the door on the both of them. He leans the check against a wall and sits again. Bored and alone on the couch.
****
Enter a kitchen.
Well, less a kitchen and more a kitchen clearly on a television set. The studio audience is abuzz with excitement for the start of the show.
Female Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the King of the Kitchen!!!! Tomaaaaaaas Luuuuuuuger!!!!!
The crowd goes bananas as Tomas comes out to the stove and counter and panders to the audience. He’s wearing a ridiculous chef’s hat and an apron that reads: “kiss me, I’m horny.”
TL: Thank you, thank you! I hope you guys are hungry today, we’ve got a great show planned with plenty of good eats.
More hooting and hollering from the crowd.
TL: I’ve got everything we need today to make a dish you can really feed to your mother-in-law, I’ve done a ton of stocking up and I’m going to teach you how to make a TWD pie!
The crowd is all “ooh’s and ah’s”.
TL: So let’s get started!
The camera pulls into a steady cam and closes in on Tomas moving over to the counter where several covered bowls of ingredients rest, waiting to be combined into something delicious.
TL: So, have you ever been to a party, or a family function, or a wrestling event, and seen the guy sitting in the corner, alone and aloof, and totally pathetic?
Luger begins unwrapping the bowls. He turns on a pan on the stove.
TL: I don’t know how many of you know this or not, but I’m the number one contender to the TWD Heavyweight Championship and I’m going up against one such person. He’s been a nobody all his life, and now he’s a somebody.
The crowd cheers, but Luger puts up his hand.
TL: But the problem is, he’s bland. Vanilla. He’s the champ and...get this...no one cares! The fans cheer, not because he’s the champ, but because he split from Juggy ENT. He mopes about, outcast by choice, and wonders why no body likes him. Why everybody hates him-
Audience all together: Guess I’ll go eat some worms!
TL: That’s right! Today, I’m going to show you how to make a dish known as “Spicy Eno Surprise”. I hope that somewhere out there, Eno is putting down whatever gun he’s cleaning, picture of his family he’s despairing over, whatever, I hope he’s watching. I’m gonna teach him how to become a dish people will flock to, while not selling out his lone wolf spirit.
Luger grabs a bottle filled with some sort of cooking oil.
TL: Pre-heat a pan to medium and add just a little olive oil, about a tablespoon. When the oil is hot enough you’re going to add-
Luger grabs a spatula in one hand and a bowl of mystery ingredient in the other.
TL: Two cups of sugar.
Luger dumps the sugar into the oil and begins stirring it about. It’s clumpy!
TL: Next you add essence of Eno, or a whole pint bottle of vanilla extract.
Luger “glug, glugs” a whole bottle of vanilla into the pot, stirring it into the oily, cooking sugar. The audience is tittering.
TL: After you saute the oil, sugar and vanilla, you gotta get a little meat in there. Eno’s a big, burly dude and he’s got some meat on his bones. I’ve chosen-
Luger dumps a blob of yellow/white “meat” into the pan.
TL: Tripe! Yep, good ol fashion cow stomach!
Luger stirs the mixture around.
TL: Go ahead and get that tripe good and coated in the mixture you’ve got cooking here, and you’re gonna let it brown.
Luger reaches for a casserole dish in a fridge behind him and pulls out a browned tripe lump.
TL: After your tripe is good and browned, you’re gonna flatten it out on a cutting board or wax paper. Then you’re going to put some stuffing on the tripe. Now this can really be whatever you want. I’ve chosen-
Luger grabs three more bowls and begins dumping things on his spread out tripe.
TL: Vinegar soaked onions, Tapatio marinated celery and chocolate pudding. After you have everything evenly spread along your tripe, your going to roll it up jelly roll style and pinch off the ends, like so.
Luger does just what he says, beings as he’s a man of his word. He puts on oven mitts and opens the oven door.
TL: You’re going to bake it at three hundred and fifty degrees for like an hour or so-
Luger pulls out a golden brown, stuffed tripe roll from the oven and puts it on the counter. The Champion of the Masses immediately begins cutting off slices of the dish.
TL: Serve warm with your side dish and, viola! “Spicy Eno Surprise”! Can I have a couple of volunteers from the audience?
A couple of college age guys push each other on stage, laughing and acting like douches the whole time.
Luger hand each a fork and they both hack off a hunk of the dish. Neither wants to be the first and they decide to eat the bite together.
In go the forks. Chewing. Swallowing. Vomiting.
TL: Yeah, Eno Redrum makes me sick too. There you have it! There’s just no way to make Eno Redrum a viable champion, not even in food form. It’s not enough just to be a bully in the ring, you see. You have to have the support of not only the fans, but your fellow wrestlers and the management. Eno, you said so yourself, you’re all alone in this world. You’ve made these people here sick, I’m guessing the fans are sick of you already, and I think from the chatter I’m hearing in the locker room, you’re wearing thin on the boys in the back too. Besides, there’s no way Eno’s ever going to be a surprise. He’s nothing, if not boring.
While the two audience members where busy throwing up, stage hands have cleared the kitchen, and Luger’s ready for his next recipe.
TL: Moving right along, the main event. The TWD pie.
Luger has before him a pie crust in a pie pan.
TL: Now, the basis for any pie is the crust. The basis for the TWD pie is a crust made from guys like The Angry Chef and Terry Dane, Aaron Christopher, The Wizard of Aahs and Off Constantly. You know, crumby, shitty, crusty guys.
Luger pulls closer yet more magically appearing bowls.
TL: Then you have the pie filling, or pie middle. Our TWD pie has guys like Adam, Ace, Arliss, Arwynn, Artichoke and Andrew Young. These guys are the mince meat filling. Old school and no one wants it. You could use fruity guys like Insane “Cherry red, and Licorice black” Insomnia or JahMon “Green’s not just for limes” Rastafari I’m going to use a nice, thick, rich filling. I’m gonna use what’s left of Juggernaut Ent-
Luger tips the bowl and uses a spatula to gloop out...pumpkin?
TL: Kingpin, Andy X-mas, and even that man Dragzilla, are the perfect middle ingredient for our TWD pie. They are thick as thieves and there’s no denying the wealth that they have ammassed, but just like a magnificent, horse drawn coach, The ENT turns back into a pumpkin if given enough time. Now, for my favorite ingredient-whipped cream!
Luger grabs a large spreader out of a Lazy-Susan on the counter. He grabs a tub of Cool Whip and starts smoothing it out.
TL: These are your top cream guys. Dudes like: Tommy O’Malley, yeah I’ve whipped him. Justin York, I’ve probably whipped him. Even a dude that can’t be here tonight, because he’s at home nursing a sore vagina. Katu Tui. Whipped. I prefer to use an extra creamy Cool Whip topping. Guys that I respect and admire because they hold there own atop of any pie. Guys like Rob Blondie and Andrei Karishnikov.
Luger has already carved out a nice thick slice of a cooked pie, that has a nice layer of extra creamy Cool Whip. He holds up but a finger as the crowd applauds this delightful, holiday favorite.
TL: But this piece of pie is missing just one thing. The perfect thing to top this perfect TWD pie. The one thing every slice needs before you sit down to your favorite show, Showdown! A Cherry on top.
Luger puts a dripping maraschino cherry on top, licking his fingers after.
TL: I’m the perfect person to sit atop this federation. I’m a virgin champion, and it’s time for me to pop my cherry. At The Devils Dance, I will. Egos and Icons will wade through the crusty bottom feeders and the middle tier wrestlers and win the introductory TWD Tag Team Titles. I will defeat the mangled heap of bullshit that Eno Redrum has become. Champion in name only, and after our match on November 15, Job, you won’t even have to worry about that anymore. You’ll go back to being a nobody, with no one, from no where.
Watch The Devil's Dance, only on Pay Per View!